


it's not me (next to you)

by thatumbrellaoni



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Arguing, Bottom Akechi Goro, Confrontations, Decisions, Declarations Of Love, Drama, Drunken Shenanigans, Engagement, Feelings Realization, Hurt No Comfort, Love Triangles, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, Pining, Post-Persona 5: The Royal, Rough Sex, Sexual Fantasy, Top Persona 4 Protagonist, Top Persona 5 Protagonist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:20:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 41,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26885755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatumbrellaoni/pseuds/thatumbrellaoni
Summary: To wish for your own happiness is sometimes tied to wishing away that of someone else's.In which Ren meets Goro again after eight years, but finds that the windows of opportunity have long closed on him.Part 1 of 2.
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Akechi Goro, Amamiya Ren/Akechi Goro/Narukami Yu, Narukami Yu/Akechi Goro, Persona 4 Protagonist/Akechi Goro, Persona 5 Protagonist/Akechi Goro, Persona 5 Protagonist/Akechi Goro/Persona 4 Protagonist
Comments: 25
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>   
>   
> that's the concept (pardon the typos). no one had recs for me, so I had to do it myself 😤 the driving forces behind this were:  
> 1) craving HARDCORE pining joker  
> 2) taeyang's "[wedding dress](https://youtu.be/qIt6KCwlFPw)", the only kpop song I know, is the inspiration
> 
> special thanks to flow ([@pegoflows](https://twitter.com/pegoflows?s=09)) for indulging and encouraging me after the first two scenes, otherwise it would've ended there and rotted in my head/not see the light of day.
> 
> caveats:  
> \- please note the **LACK OF** NTR/cuckolding, unfaithfulness/cheating, threesome, broken engagement, polyamory, and happy ending in the tags ― this part doesn't include those themes  
> \- the way I write is more 'script-like' (little to no prose), so the pacing might be a little 'abrupt'  
> \- that said, there may be a lack of cohesiveness partly due to how the scenes/chapters _will_ jump, also no beta reader  
>   
>   
> more notes at the end. please enjoy and buckle up!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Around Goro's right ring finger is a silver band, plain and undecorated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- this is the only chapter where ren is happy, and even then it's short lived  
> \- lots of exposition!  
>   
> edit:  
> not 24hrs have passed and flow, the powerhouse support of this fic, has drawn art for the part I loved writing the most!!! please check it out [here](https://twitter.com/pegoflows/status/1317516093225803776?s=19) and [here](https://twitter.com/pegoflows/status/1317732939325599745?s=19)! give flow all your love!!!

"You really have no shame."

Ren laughs in response, his smile reaching all the way up to his eyes. There's nothing funny about it at all, so it shouldn't have given him that much of a tickle. He wonders when's the last time a laugh like that was pulled out of him. He doesn't think he's felt this much joy in a long time.

His cheeks hurt, his beaming smile putting the sun to shame. He's been pinching himself every now and then under the table to make sure he isn't dreaming or somehow found himself trapped in another manufactured reality.

Ren's seen this play out so vividly and so often in his head, even in his sleep that he's lost count how many times he'd been fooled and suckered into the fantasy. But the apparition he's so used to disappearing whenever he reaches out stays in place this time. They're having coffee and it's the most pleasant thing he's experienced in who knows how long.

In front of Amamiya Ren sits Akechi Goro.

His hair is longer, reaching just past his shoulder blades, fringe swept to the side to frame his face, and the rest tied back in a low ponytail. His face is a little more sunken in, cheekbones just a bit prominent, having lost the roundness from his youth. Red eyes glimmer under the light, piercing and clear as they had been since Ren last saw them. Gloved fingers lay on the table, long and spindly as it drums softly against the wood.

Ren would really hate it if this is some Metaverse bullshit.

"I can't believe you lifted and twirled me around in public." Goro pinches the bridge of his nose, remembering the embarrassing commotion earlier.

Ren shrugs. "It wasn't that bad. I put you down right away." He's struggling to catch his breath for some reason. _Must be from all the excitement._

"―Because you started crying." At that, Ren twirls a curl of his hair sheepishly. "I had to drag you in here because people started thinking _I_ was the bad guy." Goro's eyebrow twitches in his annoyance and Ren finds it endearing.

Eight years have passed since that fateful battle against Maruki and Ren had thought that was the last time he'd ever see Goro. At the young age of seventeen, Ren had regrets no normal seventeen-year-old had business shouldering, most of them if not all revolving around Goro ― not reaching out before things went to shit, the interrogation room ploy, not being able to say goodbye properly, not telling Goro what had been bubbling inside his chest ever since they met, not asking him to stay when that same urge had been trying to claw up his throat during that one night in February―

Ren wishes he'd done a lot of things differently, like pulling Goro out of the consuming darkness when he had the chance to.

So bumping into Goro after years of undying grief and aching, physically feeling a solid body when they crashed into each other and not waking up in a cold sweat afterwards, and not phasing through when he grabbed for Goro's arm to steady himself mentally ― it had been a staggering experience.

Recognition dawned on them both slowly and neither of them had been able to react properly, slack-jawed and eyes bugged out. Time stood still and it was Ren who acted first. Recovering from utter stupefaction, he wasted no time scooping Goro up in his arms and spinning in unabashed jubilation.

Goro's yelling and thumping on his shoulders didn't deter Ren, completely unconcerned and squeezing Goro as hard as he can in response. Only when Ren started sobbing did they manage to gather a huge audience, leaving Goro at a loss on how to handle the situation. It's funny now in hindsight, that rather than console a crying person Goro opts to run away as his first choice. Goro spots a café nearby and manhandles Ren down the street, dodging several people voicing their concerns.

The café they're at is small and quiet. The elderly woman at the counter smiled at them sympathetically when Goro barged in asking for a table, hauling an emotional Ren who had been clinging onto his lapels for dear life. They grab a table by the window and Goro immediately orders Ren to go wash his face, though Ren initially refused ― then he asked Goro to come with him when Goro insisted, to which Goro refused with vehemence ― deathly afraid Goro will disappear on him.

Ren's head spins as he turns over what just transpired not even twenty minutes ago. In a split second, his world upended itself and he's still scrambling for purchase.

Never did it cross his mind that the way they'd meet again would be comically disastrous and attention-grabbing.

"You got snot on my shirt." Goro adjusts his tie, attempting to hide the wet spot. He clicks his tongue when it doesn't look any better, smoothing it down instead. He looks up at Ren and sighs. "Could you stop looking at me like I'm a ghost? It's quite unsettling."

 _Oh, was I doing that?_ Ren blinks and shakes his head. "Sorry, sorry." He rubs at his face a few times, trying to get rid of the lingering haze that keeps creeping back. His smile had fallen off along with the merry crinkle of his eyes, replaced with unblinking ones and mouth slightly agape as his mind continues to make sense of what's in front of him.

Goro watches him and simply waits for Ren to sort himself out. But when Ren remains motionless for way too long, face still hidden behind his hands, Goro thinks that he's being ridiculous at this point. "Is it too much to ask for you to be normal?"

At that, Ren peeks between his fingers, marveling at Goro's mere existence. "I can't believe… it's you. It's really you."

"In the flesh." Goro rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his coffee. "Fine, gawk at me all you want but please don't start crying again, Re―" Goro clears his throat and corrects himself. "Just spare me the tears, Amamiya."

Ren immediately drops his hands to the table with a slap, all signs of previous reverie gone. "We're not strangers. Call me 'Ren' just like you used to."

"Eight unknown years undid any familiarity between us, don't you think?"

Ren grimaces. "Goro," he says tiredly, slightly irked with how Goro was making an issue out of nothing, over something that didn't even need questioning.

Goro narrows his eyes at him, particularly incensed with Ren's tone. "I don't recall giving you permission to use my name."

"Well, that's too bad. I quite like how it sounds," Ren challenges.

Goro clicks his tongue. "Insufferable," he lifts his cup to his lips, "you haven't changed," Goro says, eyes trained on Ren before taking a sip.

 _Neither have you,_ Ren counters in his head. Despite the headache that Goro's stubbornness usually triggers, it's a huge comfort that Goro's personality is as cutting as he remembers it. Suddenly, it feels like time hasn't passed at all, that a gap of eight years doesn't exist between them.

Over the years, Ren's been merely going through the motions after his double life as a phantom thief officially ended. Gaining responsibilities one after another as a fully-fledged adult and full-time employee leeches the life out of him, now lacking the drive and time to reform society.

The hard truth that their vigilante work had only been a ripple in the vast ocean that is society was also disheartening. Things really did seem grander and better when he was younger. Adulthood makes him feel like a drone most days, seeing no end to the mundane and apathy of the others around him ― sometimes he thinks Yaldabaoth had a point.

It's been lonely and boring. He feels like he's been left behind, stuck in the shadow of his glory days. The rest of the group have their own lives to manage and dreams to work towards, so they haven't been getting together as often as he'd like. Ren envies them, actually. His friends seem to be well-adjusted despite what they went through and who they lost, moving forward with heads held high. All the while, he had been struggling to fill the void Goro left behind, like he's still lugging around that ball chain but it's now fastened to his heart.

When a person leaves a dent in the heart, it's a specific shape, and only that same person can take up that space again. Ren's subconscious often nagged at him to get his shit together, life is much larger than one boy from his past, and he sometimes acquiesced to it just to shut it up. But no matter how deep he buried it or how fast he ran from it, no matter how hard he tried to fill it with various misshapen things in an attempt to feel whole again, nothing was ever enough. After many attempts came several failures that even the voice in his head eventually stopped.

In a twisted sense, Goro never really left him, the crater in his heart a constant reminder of what was taken from him. Whether the logical side of his brain likes it or not, Ren carries Goro with him wherever he goes.

_Speaking of―_

"That reminds me," Ren reaches into his pocket and procures Goro's old glove. "I still have this."

The state the glove is in is a little embarrassing. It's tattered and worn, the leather damaged and scratched in certain places because Ren leaves it in his pocket when his clothes go in the wash. It doesn't dry properly as a result and the wrinkles don't get smoothed out, leaving permanent folds on the surface. It's not that he neglected or forgot about it, though. He used to take the glove out of his pocket when he did the laundry, but there was that one time he felt incredibly uneasy at work for the entire day after realizing he didn't have the glove with him, having left it in his dresser the day before to avoid it getting wet in the wash.

It's been his treasure and lucky charm for almost a decade now, having it on his person wherever he goes. He refuses to put it in his messenger bag, afraid of losing it if it gets snagged on something else he's trying to pull out.

Ren laughs inwardly. He can practically hear Goro complaining about his brainless sentimentality.

"You kept it." Goro finally says, surprise coloring his features.

"Of course. Our promise… It's important to me," Ren runs his thumb over the leather. "I wanted to honor it."

Goro's eyes narrow at Ren, suspicion now lacing his words. "You thought I was dead. There was no point."

Feeling the cracked leather and frayed edges gently, Ren smoothes the glove between both his hands. "… Yeah. But it was the only thing I had left of you."

Goro stares at him bleakly but doesn't say anything, most likely baffled at Ren's inability to let go of anything in his life. Ren agrees for the most part, useless baggage should be thrown away but Goro fails to understand how precious he is to Ren. Goro had been Ren's wish and he would never think twice about keeping their promise alive, and in the end it was worth it.

Ren is lost in thought when he notices Goro extend his hand towards him. Ren raises his eyebrows questioningly, not sure what it means.

Goro points to the glove. "May I have that for a second?"

"Oh, sure." Ren hands it to him.

Goro examines it passively, turning it over in his hands. "This definitely is mine."

Ren pouts. "Why wouldn't it be? Did you think I was trying to fool you?"

"I don't know why you do the things you do, to be honest. Keeping this old thing…" Goro grasps the cuff of the glove he's wearing on his right hand. He wonders how his old glove would feel against his skin after all this time, if it'd be as snug and insulating despite its shabbiness. He tugs and his glove slips off smoothly.

Ren can't help the smirk on his lips, eyes tracking the movement of Goro's hands, amused at what he knows Goro's about to do. "Now look who's being sentimen―"

The words die on Ren's lips and it feels like his heart stops beating too. He forgets how to breathe and when his lungs demand air, he takes a ragged breath through his mouth that burns all the way down. He blinks rapidly, trying to dispel the illusion his mind seems to be playing on him.

Everything around him fades away into static as he struggles to comprehend what he's looking at.

Around Goro's right ring finger is a silver band, plain and undecorated. It gleams under the light as Goro moves his hand and Ren follows it like a hawk. On the forefront of his brain, Ren is rationalizing that the ring is for fashion purposes and nothing more. Goro's style must've evolved, a natural occurrence as a person ages. Acquiring a taste for jewelry isn't unheard of.

But at the back of Ren's head is a wailing siren slowly increasing in volume, warning him that the reason for the ring isn't as innocent, that there's another gut-wrenching side to this. Ren's vision doubles and he feels like throwing up, head underwater, cotton in his ears, bile in his mouth―

"Ren!"

Goro's voice pulls him out of the sinkhole threatening to swallow him up and his eyes refocus. He rips his eyes away from Goro's hands to stare up at Goro, his face contorting in his confusion. "W-What?" Ren manages to squeak out, throat dry.

Goro looks at him suspiciously. "You just stopped moving. Something wrong?"

Ren's back to looking like he's just seen a ghost. "I… I, uh…" He wants to glance down at Goro's hand again, maybe he just went insane for a second or something was in his drink. He can't bring himself to though, too scared of the truth, of what that reality entails. He takes a steadying breath to try and center himself.

"You're pale. Did your drink make you sick or―" Goro moves his right hand towards Ren's forehead to check his temperature and Ren flinches away when he feels a cold metallic sting against his skin, leaving Goro stunned, hand hovering in the air.

Ren sees it once again, the silver band, and he goes cold all over. Like a magnet, it pulls and holds his line of vision, demanding Ren to witness what he's missed and what can no longer be his, blatantly mocking him for all eight years he wasted.

Goro is sitting back, looking insulted and perplexed at Ren's behavior. "What's wrong with you?"

Shaking his head to clear the fog that's settled between his eyes, Ren apologizes. "I was just…" his voice comes out hoarsely, so he swallows and tries again, runs a hand through his hair. "Your ring…" he peers up at Goro through his fringe.

Goro blinks at him. "Oh, this thing?" Goro's hands sit on the table and he angles his right hand to regard the silver band. "It's no big deal," Goro dismisses, averting his eyes, a telltale sign that he's embarrassed, and Ren doesn't believe him for a second. "What, you've never seen an engagement ring before?" Goro bristles when he feels Ren's scrutiny crawling all over his skin.

Ren's stomach lurches. "I―I just didn't expect…" his voice is low, a shadow crossing his face.

Goro sighs. He takes the glove he originally wore and brings it close to him, sliding his old one across the table towards Ren. It now lays forgotten between them and seeing it discarded like that drives a sharp knife down Ren's heart. "What's with that look? Surprised someone made the mistake of actually choosing me?"

"No―That's not―" Ren hides his face in his hands and digs the balls of them into his eyes. "Sorry, I'm being very rude." After a beat, he hears Goro chuckle lightly and it makes Ren look up instantly.

Goro wears a slight smile, a glint of amusement in his eyes. "A little bit of taunting and you fold. Did you lose your sense of humor, Joker?" Goro goes back to admiring the ring. "A bit of an extreme reaction from you but I get it. Even I can't believe it sometimes."

"What do you mean?" Ren asks, barely getting the words out in trying to hide the trembling of his voice, his heart in a million jagged pieces in his mouth. Ren shouldn't have asked, not sure if he can handle the answer. He should've just congratulated Goro and talked about something else, but the devil is in the details and his morbid curiosity got the better of him. He teeters over the line between catching up as friends and probing out of bitterness.

"I didn't think I'd get this far in life, that's all. I even suspected Maruki because nothing should feel this good. Not in my experience." Goro tugs his right glove back on. "My revenge was all I had before. Now that I have something else to look forward to, well… it never stops feeling so surreal."

Ren didn't think it was possible for his heart to shatter any more than it has. _He's happy. He's… finally happy._ While Ren repeatedly agonized over his loss, Goro found happiness all on his own. _Not a word for eight years and this is why._ He's reacting so badly to it and he hates himself for his entitlement. "The ring… it looks good on you."

"It draws attention, as you've demonstrated," Goro huffs, "had to wear it on my right hand since I hit or scrape it against things when I use my left." Goro crosses his arms, making a show of being unhappy. There's a pinkish hue to his cheeks and Ren would find it charming if he didn't know any better. "He's hopeless. I told him he was being a sap and I didn't need this."

Ren's knee-jerk reaction to Goro being indignant yet clearly pleased is to tease and prod until Goro erupts, flustered and seething. But he can't muster that at all, the anguish and hurt completely taking him out of his element.

"That's really good news." Ren tries for a smile and he hopes it doesn't look downright offensive. "… I'm glad you found someone who―" his voice gets caught in his throat and he pleads with himself not to fall apart right then and there, "―who makes you happy."

Goro shivers. "Oh, don't start. It's somehow even weirder coming from you." Goro runs his hands up and down his arms to soothe the goosebumps. He pauses for a bit, thinking. "… His name's Yu. I met him in university. He was a bastard." Ren laughs humorlessly. "He wouldn't leave me alone."

Goro tells of how Yu kept sitting beside him, asking to borrow his notes despite attending class everyday. Goro decided to move seats but Yu scoped him out and followed him every time, not taking the hint. Goro would always escape quickly after class before Yu got the chance to make small talk.

It was Valentine's Day when Goro finally snapped. Goro found a vacant seat in the middle of occupied seats towards the back of the lecture hall, hoping it'd be impossible for Yu to catch him there. In the middle of lecture, he gets hit in the head with a tiny piece of wrapped chocolate. When he looked in the general direction it came from, he spotted Yu waving at him about eight seats to his left. Infuriated, Goro hurls it right back at Yu, hitting him straight in the forehead. The professor had her back to the class at the time, but there was a blanket of nervous energy coming from the people around Goro who witnessed his very deadly aim.

When Goro confronted him after class, Yu admitted he was lonely and Goro looked lonely too. Maybe they could be lonely together, Yu had said.

Goro was unimpressed and walked off after telling Yu to fuck off.

"So he wore you down." Ren's shifted in his position, elbow on the table and resting his head on his hand now. "The great iron-willed Akechi Goro meeting his match."

Goro glares at him. "That makes me wanna throttle you." He downs his now lukewarm coffee. "That's how it started, anyway. You can hazard a guess that he didn't take my rejection to heart ― not even when I nearly killed him with a pen at the library that one time." Goro mutters the last bit towards the end. "But the rest of the story is pretty unremarkable."

Ren merely nods.

Goro's eagerness to share stories about his life has always been a curious trait, opening up unprompted sometimes. Though as much as Ren would love to give the world to listen to Goro ramble about himself, get to know him again, or simply hear his voice for the most part, he doesn't think he can stand this particular story anymore, every word and syllable is like sticking needles in his ears. But he suffers through it because this is important to Goro, it's a piece of Goro he's allowed to have.

Someone's phone chimes and pulls Ren out of his thoughts. He assumes it to be his at first but Goro takes his phone out and taps on it a few times. "Speak of the devil," Goro pockets his phone again and gets up to leave. "Sorry to cut our chat short. I have something to attend to." Goro hands Ren his old glove back. "And I don't know, maybe get rid of that old thing?"

Ren hums. "Maybe." _Maybe not._ Ren tucks the glove back into his pocket and tries to keep the disappointment from leaking into his voice.

Goro straightens himself out, tugging on his tie and coat more snuggly. "… I'm sorry for not contacting you all this time," Goro hesitates, "It's good to see you again."

"Don't worry about it," Ren smiles but it feels foreign on his face. "I'm just glad you're okay." With that, Goro turns to go.

When Ren grabs for Goro's hand on reflex, he thinks it's a little bit like when he's falling asleep and his body jerks all of a sudden. It's a bit like his hand touching a live wire and the electric current makes his muscles contract involuntarily, rendering him unable to let go. Ren mostly thinks it's a learned reaction at this point, his fear of losing Goro kicking in, something he picked up in his dreams where Goro turns away and Ren loses him forever.

Goro looks at him, waiting, a question forming on his lips and Ren wants to mask his impulsiveness before Goro can ask it.

The both of them left a lot unsaid and Ren has confessions at the tip of his tongue, stinging and biting now that the chance to let them spill out has come again. Time and time again, he'd been graced with the opportunity to tell Goro what he feels, help Goro break free from the tangled web he was in, but none of which he took. He has eight years worth of words for a man who he thought was dead and he really shouldn't let it rot or fester inside him anymore.

I'm sorry, Ren could say. For everything. I love you, I've always loved you. Please stay with me. Please don't go again. I want to be with you always.

Ren grits his teeth and feels it's too late for any of that.

"I'm sorry for not saying this earlier," Ren squeezes Goro's hand, "I'm really happy for you." Claws scratch at his insides and he wonders why he can't taste the blood that's supposed to be gushing up his mouth. Ren shouldn't see Goro again after this. The logical thing to do would be to let his hopeless love burn itself out. It's only right, it's only fair for them both ― "Let's meet up again?"

Goro smirks in response. "We do have a rematch to settle. I'll contact you when I'm free."

Ren nods and lets Goro go. He watches Goro push the café doors open and disappear into the streets without looking back.

For the third time in his life, Amamiya Ren lets Akechi Goro go.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if it were practical, I would've drawn this entire story as a doujin instead, or commissioned someone to write it.  
>   
> some more notes:  
> \- follows p5r canon and goes straight to postcanon au with an 8 year gap  
> \- goro's fiancé was initially just a no-name guy he met in university who's only mentioned/referenced and doesn't show up in the story, but I changed it to being yu last minute to raise the stakes of the drama and hotness  
> \- p5r happened a year and a half after p4g, hence yu is only a year or so older than goro  
> \- mona's with the sakuras  
> \- excuse the mediocrity, fran is not a writer o(-( I just wanted this out of my head and spread the pegobanake agenda 👀  
>   
> it only gets worse 😌 nobody has a good time  
>   
> come visit me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/thatumbrellaoni?s=09)! I draw better than I write lmao


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't get too close. Goro is engaged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote 4k of this but then accidentally deleted that file. I will never get back the hours I spent writing that draft o(-(
> 
> me @ flow: who is going to read 14k words of ren in pain!?
> 
> all of you, apparently
> 
> this is where the drunken shenanigans tag take effect. warning for the appearance of one sleazy guy (harmless) and kissing (not with sleazy guy)
> 
> goro backstory, some exposition, Bad Decisions
> 
> "[jealous](https://youtu.be/0m3oEecqkLU)" by labrinth for this chapter, as suggested by flow 🥲

Ren and Goro meet up whenever they can, sometimes making plans to go out for drinks or have dinner together at the end of a workday. Their schedules mostly conflict due to the nature of their jobs, with Goro heading an entire department and Ren being handed more projects as he continues to impress the higher-ups with his proficiency. Goro has irregular work hours that more often than not include weekends. Meanwhile, Ren usually has to stay late to meet deadlines, neverending heaps of paperwork to sign off on and proposals to review. It's quite the overwhelming undertaking that would surely make any normal worker quit, but he finds the work fulfilling.

Balancing his school life and phantom thief activities on top of leisure time was his norm back in the day. It's a craft he's inadvertently honed to perfection and growing up, his time management skills are second to none. He works like a machine to the point that he forgets himself sometimes, chasing that burning sense of purpose, desperate to once again reignite the flames of his life that he feels has been reduced to embers. Some days he crashes, missing being told to go to bed and take care of himself.

But what used to be the driving force behind his workaholism has been bested by an even more urgent desire to drown out his heartache, considering it a good day if he doesn't get a chance to wallow in it. It's been a few months since he ran into Goro and the same way his elation over the fact that Goro is alive stays, so does Ren's yearning for him.

It's a Saturday and Ren spent the entire day doing errands, loading and unloading the wash, buying groceries for the week, picking up supplies to build and set up his new home workout station, and cleaning up his apartment after the fact. He's just finished showering, drying his hair with a towel and scrolling through his phone when a bout of hunger pangs start up accompanied by his stomach growling, a reminder that he's barely eaten anything today.

Too lazy to cook anything for himself tonight, he brings up the online food ordering app and scrolls through a few of the selections. He taps on a few of the tabs, lingering on the pizza menu for a while, intrigued by the variety of spicy toppings offered by one of the restaurants, but nothing really whets his appetite. He jumps from the ramen and sushi menus when a message from Goro pops up on his screen, replying to a picture of the completed gym system Ren sent him earlier.

∼∼∼  
 **Goro  
** Today, 〇〇〇〇 PM

[image attachment]  
built this monster

Good work.  
Not that it'll help you in our rematch.  
But good on you for staying in shape.

∼∼∼

Ren snorts. _Of course._ He's about to close Goro's message when an idea wriggles its way into his head. On top of being hungry, Ren admittedly also feels quite lonely, having been stuck in his apartment for most of the day with only the company of some program playing on the TV as background noise. His fingers hover over the keys for a second, considering, before replying to Goro, asking if he's interested in grabbing a bite and a few drinks.

He then leaves his phone on the counter, drying his hair more rigorously as he tosses in the final load of his laundry into the dryer. He stares into space for a bit and heaves a sigh, regret rolling up into a heavy ball in his chest. _Maybe I shouldn't have sent that. That was a little selfish._

Goro is engaged ― it's a mantra at this point and he goes by it when he feels like he's letting his feelings for Goro cloud his judgment.

He's been trying to cut back on contacting Goro in general, still thinking it best to prioritize running his feelings to the ground so hard it'd be impossible to uproot. Only if that's a success will he allow himself to be close to Goro again. Noble intentions come easy to Ren, he's been dealing with his self-sacrificial tendencies his whole life, and he usually has no qualms carrying them out, openly giving a piece of him away on a whim. It really only gives him pause when Goro's involved.

His heart wants what his heart wants and Ren's heart is tired of being denied in favor of the logical good.

So just for tonight, just this one night, he'll succumb to the wails of his heart if given the chance ― hang out with Goro, have a good time, call it a night. He's starting to get a little claustrophobic being cooped up in his apartment, anyway.

His phone chimes and he goes to check it. Goro says he's available and Ren excitedly replies with the location where they can first meet up and goes to get ready, a spring in his step evident and his heart singing contentedly.

* * *

The place they go to is along a busy street in the heart of Shibuya. When they enter the building, they're immediately blasted with blaring music, the bass reverberating through Ren's chest, the percussive rhythm echoing in his head, and the electronic lead already getting him to nod his head to the beat.

The dance floor is littered with an incredible amount of people gyrating and bouncing to the music, some with hands held up or clapping. The flickering of the various colored lights give the entire area a futuristic ambience and Ren thinks it's the perfect place to escape to for the night.

A group of people pass them by and a couple of them nod to him in greeting, which he responds in kind. Ren turns to Goro to ask him what he wants to eat and notices the displeased look on his face as he scans the place.

"What's wrong!?" Ren yells above the din as he places a hand on Goro's shoulder, catching his attention.

Goro visibly deflates when they make eye contact. Not particularly thrilled about engaging in a screaming match amidst the noise, he takes Ren by the arm, maneuvers around an influx of people, and drags him back out into the quiet of the street.

"Where are we going!?" Ren stumbles on the sidewalk.

"You party animal…" Goro let's him go. "I thought the place would be like Jazz Jin!"

"Huh―" Ren makes a face and scratches his head. "I thought we'd change it up…? It'll be fun!" He wraps an arm around Goro's shoulder and gives him a firm squeeze. "Too old to enjoy the nightlife, Grandpa?"

Goro glares at him. "Shut it. It's not that," he says, looking toward the building as if studying it.

Ren's smile drops, at a loss as to what could possibly be so troubling, but he doesn't pry. He chalks it up to a discomfort with crowds, though he doesn't remember Goro having issues with fans flocking to him before. 

Ren relents and releases him, taking his phone out to look up Jazz Jin's schedule and menu. He was really looking forward to having a less subdued night out, craving a livelier atmosphere to compensate for being in solitude for the majority of the day.

_Raincheck._

"Looks like there's a singer lined up for tonight at Jazz Jin. We can make it if we hurry. They have a new cocktail, too." He looks up when he gets no reaction. "Goro?"

He sees Goro deep in thought, fist by his chin and his other hand on his hip. "We can stay." Goro then whips out his phone and starts typing. "I just have to ― well, it doesn't matter. Just let me know where we're going in advance next time."

Ren tips his head to the side, a little more curious now. "Sure. You really okay, though?"

Goro taps on his phone a few more times before waving his phone at Ren, though he can't read what's on the screen. "Just in case things go wrong."

"Go wrong?" Ren's eyebrows shoot up, not an inkling as to what Goro's alluding to. "Oh, I get it. You're a messy drunk, aren't you?" He smirks. "Don't worry, I'll be here to get your ass out of trouble like always," he teases, nudging Goro with his elbow.

"My hero." Goro's expression sours and he pinches Ren's side in retaliation. "Now, come on. I want a drink."

* * *

Looking to satisfy their appetites first, they make their way to the quieter dining area of the club. The receptionist seats them at a corner booth and they order something light, shucked oysters for Ren, and fish and chips for Goro.

The layout and design of the place is, of course, much more formal compared to the dance floor and bar, possessing a much more delicate and intricate interior design. Instead of flashing strobe lights, lighting is low, the glow of the lamps warmer and a lot softer to the eyes. Even the hushed idle chatter of the other patrons and the clinking of their silverware play to the pretense of a high-class restaurant.

It doesn't take very long for their food to arrive and they settle into quiet conversation.

"So," Ren starts with a drawl while regarding his selection of garnishes. "You never did tell me how you got out of Shido's Palace."

Goro glances at him. "Nothing's changed since I first told you many years ago. I have no memory of it," he says plainly as he dips a forkful of chips in ketchup and into his mouth.

Ren thinks back to that one February night and replays what was said back then in his head. "I thought you'd slowly remember with time. Nothing at all?"

Goro shakes his head. "I've given up trying to make sense of it. It's never gonna come to me."

Ren hums, thoughtful. "How did you find me that day? In Shibuya with Sae."

Goro gives him a look this time. "I blinked and I was suddenly there in the middle of the crowd. Don't know how I got there. Saw the two of you, caught the tail end of your conversation, and―" he cuts himself short and gestures to Ren with his fork, "you know the rest."

Ren is thoughtful again. "Okay, but what about after Maruki? After everything went back to normal? Did you wake up somewhere else or… where were you?"

"My goodness, are you ever nosy tonight," Goro says, exasperated. "Is this how you're going to be all night?"

Ren laughs. "I'm only going to get worse once I get a few drinks in me," he says, slurping one of the half-shells noisily, "so start talking. I'll even give you one of my oysters in exchange."

"Very tempting, Ren," Goro deadpans, clearly not tempted one bit. He picks at his food, moving some of the chips around. "It's not much of a story, really. After defeating Maruki, the next thing I remember is waking up in a room. Everything was white ― too white. I had an armband with my name on it and some numbers, so I assumed I was in a hospital, probably privately owned, but I wasn't connected to any monitors… no IV. I felt fine, so I got dressed and tried to leave. I got as far as the lobby before a girl with short blonde hair called my name.

"She was an android… unusually human-like. She didn't really say anything, just handed me a small package and wished me well. I had questions for her but she said all I needed to know was in it. I was escorted somewhere underground. There was a car and a few men in black suits waiting for me. We drove down a long tunnel and when we got back to the surface, I recognized Tokyo Station. I thought that's where they'd let me go, but the men got out with me and followed me all the way to my apartment."

Goro looks up and sees Ren intently listening, so engrossed in his story that he had leaned forward quite a bit, the oyster shell in his hand forgotten. Goro swallows, expression dimming at the memories starting to flood his head. He takes a deep breath and continues.

"Apparently, their orders were to oversee my safe arrival at my new residence after I've gathered any necessities from my old apartment. I was confused so I opened the package. Inside were ID's, a lot of documents, some keys, a burner phone, and a letter. Basically whoever that girl was, she and the organization she's a part of found me unconscious and took me in. They figured out who I was and wanted to help me escape the remnants of Shido's supporters… in exchange for information."

Ren's eyebrows shoot up. "Information? Information about what…?"

"Shadows. Palaces. Cognitive Psience. All the convoluted shit I was mixed up in." Goro shrugs. "To protect me, they froze any information that could be traced back to 'Akechi Goro' and prepared a new identity for me. So in a way, I really was dead and anybody looking for me wouldn't be able to find me."

Ren's mind is reeling. There was no way he could've guessed all this. "And you believed them? Trusted their word?"

"Of course not." Goro glares at him. "But what choice did I have? They had who I was in their hands already." Goro laughs ruefully. "Disgusting, isn't it? I went from having my life held against me to having my existence erased." Goro sits back in his seat, looking disdainfully at the far wall. "… It never stops."

Ren's heart beats painfully behind his ribcage. _He still wasn't free… even after everything._

"They promised me a year or at least until the issue surrounding Shido dies down and the media's coverage of it completely stops. After that, my fake name would disappear and I would be 'Akechi Goro' again." They were quiet for a while, Ren not really knowing what to say. "Of course, I wanted to refuse but I'm not stupid. I recognized the danger I was in and saw this as an opportunity… so I accepted ― under my terms."

Ren watches Goro take more bites of his food, sensing him grow bolder. He feels relieved somehow, seeing that familiar fire surging in the depths of Goro's eyes. All the tension in his body, every crimp and knot that's accumulated as the story progressed loosening all at once.

"I didn't want to live in whatever box they prepared for me, so I threw the keys back at the men acting as my escorts." Goro holds up his hand, each finger extending as he counts them off one by one. "They'd get the information they wanted from me but I would have no hand in their actual legwork, that's all on them. They were barred from keeping tabs on me. I wanted complete freedom of my actions. At any moment those conditions were crossed, they'd lose their only credible informant they have."

Ren smirks, shaking his head amusedly. "Played them in their own game."

"They can treat me as their little fake charity all they want, doesn't mean I'll be grateful for it." He cuts a piece of the fish and pops it in his mouth. "Anyway, they were agreeable, but I was still an open target if I stayed in my apartment. There's a shelter my mother and I went to a lot when she was still alive. The staff recognized me and was very accomodating. While taking residence there, I attended make-up classes so I can graduate on time. I also helped out at the shelter with whatever they needed ― cleaning, watching over the children, assisting newcomers…" Goro trails off.

The image of Goro wearing an apron sweeping the front steps warms Ren's heart. He tries not to smile at the thought.

"Eventually, things went back to normal. I got my name back, moved out of the shelter and into a new apartment. Never heard from the organization again." Goro drums his fingers on the table. "See? Not really exciting, more of a nuisance at first. You were pretty curious. I hope I scratched the itch."

The ending was more lackluster than Ren had expected. Ren smiles but it's more empty than it looks, a mere upturning of his lips with no real joy. _He was in hiding for a year._ He really shouldn't feel bitter over it. It's not his place to be bitter over it. Goro is alive, isn't that enough? That's all he's ever wanted ― that was his wish. His entitlement feels like scorpion stings inside his mouth. _He had seven years to at least give me a call._

He bites the inside of his cheek. Maybe it was just him after all, maybe he made it all up in his head. Maybe there was no deep bond between them, no shared connection. Maruki was wrong, their relationship wasn't special and Ren nearly let reality burn for it, let himself be a fool for nearly a decade.

Goro had been content living the rest of his life without Ren in it. That truth stirs something ugly inside him and he hates how selfish he's being. He promised himself he wouldn't bring it up, but the words were out of his mouth before he could swallow them back down. "I wish you'd contacted me, though." Goro doesn't look at him but his fingers hover in the air for a second before tapping on the table again. "I… tried sending you a message and calling your number… but it was no longer in service."

"The organization disposed of that phone. It's not like I had your number memorized either."

"And Leblanc? It hasn't moved. You knew where to find me."

"I didn't think it appropriate considering our history."

 _Bullshit._ "Goro, that's―" He's successful in holding himself back this time, biting his tongue, the pain a reminder that this isn't why they're here. Ren invited Goro to have a good time and not badger him with questions, or question Goro's decisions. _It's not my place._ He gives himself a mental shake and tries to calm the storm behind his chest. "I would've been happy to see you," Ren settles, eyes more mute. "If you wanted help, I… I wouldn't have thought twice about doing what I can for you."

Goro closes his eyes. "You get so hung up about…" he gestures vaguely in the air and sighs without finishing the thought. Ren opens his mouth to interject, but Goro beats him to the punch. "We should just start over at this point. I'm here now, aren't I?" Goro levels him with clear eyes.

Goro is in a much better headspace now than back then, evident in the way he counters anything pessimistic or pitiable that comes out of Ren's mouth, though sometimes harsher than he intends. He puts things into perspective and Ren can't be more proud of how much he's grown. _He's free._ Goro kept moving forward and this is his way of telling Ren to do the same and break away from the cage he keeps crawling back into.

"Yeah," Ren says, a real smile pulling at the corner of his lips now. "You're right."

"Of course, I am." Goro grabs his fork and leans forward, spearing one of Ren's oysters. "Honestly, Ren. You're better than this."

Ren snorts. "My seventeen-year-old self set a pretty high bar, I see. I'm letting my rival down."

"You're just a fool." Goro chews thoughtfully. "Anyway, enough about me. I never asked before, but where's your cat?"

* * *

Ren learns that Goro prefers ordering hard liquor in bottles and nursing it through the night, as opposed to taking several shots of different mixed drinks like Ren. He suggested trying each other's drinks and quickly finds that even that is ammunition for ribbing on each other, Goro saying Ren's shots were too childishly sweet and Ren telling Goro the custom tray of miniatures he asked for suited his old man tastes. They sit at the bar for the most part, watching the dance floor, yelling over the music every now and then when they observe something interesting happening among the crowd.

He's been feeling the buzz for a while, face hot, mind fuzzy, inhibitions slowly slipping with each shot into the night. Goro oddly enough seems to be holding his alcohol well despite being well into his third mini bottle. He can see the slight flush of his cheeks though ― or maybe that's just the work of the lights, Ren can't tell anymore. When the music changes to one with a better tempo, Ren downs his shot and springs to his feet, trying to pull Goro with him.

"This is a good song," he tugs on Goro's sleeve, "I'm not letting the night end without you going wild out there!"

Goro laughs, easily slipping away from Ren's loose grasp and gives him a shove forward. " _You_ go ahead and make a fool of yourself out there! I'll watch from here!" Ren doubles back for him but Goro holds his leg up and kicks him back lightly.

"It won't be as fun without you!" The music picks up and he's not sure if Goro heard him. The colored lights bouncing off of Goro make him look ethereal. His crossed legs and the smirk playing on his lips only amplifies his alluring aura, magnetizing Ren to him that he almost abandons the idea of leaving Goro's side. Being tipsy doesn't do him any favors, his desire for Goro strengthening tenfold, that he has to rein it in and get a better grip on his self-control.

Goro puts his drink to his lips and seeing as Ren hasn't moved, shoos him away hurriedly.

Ren shakes his head in response, admitting defeat for now, and turns towards the dance floor, disappearing into the sea of people.

It's a lot more humid considering the sheer amount of bodies sharing the same space. Not wanting to be in the outer circle, he pushes through some more until he feels the floor rumble beneath his feet, being in such close proximity to the large speakers. Ren won't say he's a particularly good dancer ― not an ounce of dance talent in his bones ― but he can tune in to the music enough to be able to move to the rhythm.

He closes his eyes and lets everything surrounding him melt away and flow into him. He feels lighter, the sound of the synthesizer finally getting his body and arms to sway in time with the way it undulates. He follows it up with dynamic footwork, adding more energy to his moves as he focuses on his feet shuffling from left to right, bouncing on his heel. His alcohol-addled brain dismisses any shame or thoughts about how ridiculous he must look dancing by himself. All work and no play on top of the everyday mundane has Ren craving to let his wild side surface and take control tonight.

This is what he needs. Forget everything and let his body do the talking.

He spins and follows it up with a few body rolls as the song transitions into the more sensual chorus. A girl with short brown hair slots her back against him, grinding lower and lower as she slides her hands down his thighs. She turns around to face him, a coy smile on her face, swaying her hips seductively while running her hands slowly up his chest, feeling every hard ridge of his body, and lacing them around his neck.

It's quite invasive really, but Ren finds that he likes the attention. What's the purpose of going to a club if not for a little bump and grind? His hands travel to her hips as he guides her more flushed against him. He can't help himself and thinks how he'd be into this more if she wasn't so lithe. Maybe if she had jutting hip bones that fill out his hands more. He imagines her in a tight striped suit and feels that it wouldn't be as flattering on her, the various belts doing nothing to accentuate her form or keep the suit from sagging.

He moves one of his hands to the back of her knee and wraps one of her legs around him. If her thighs were firmer, he thinks he'd enjoy grabbing at her more. He wishes her hair was longer and framed her face nicely, so they can have a nice intimate moment when he tucks a strand behind her ear. She looks at him with tantalizingly beautiful jade eyes, their faces so close he can smell her strong perfume. Maybe he'd feel the thrilling undercurrent more if her eyes were redder and had a more judgmental look to them. Maybe if she smelled better, clean from soap and jasmine-scented shampoo instead of anything pungent.

The mind is a powerful machine, douse it with alcohol and it can conjure just about anything a person wants. Ren dips her low and his mouth waters as bits and pieces of his fantasy coalesce to form who he actually wants in his arms, who he wants against every inch of his body. _Maybe if she was someone else entirely―_

Ren pulls her back up along with the sharpening of the beat and the amping up of the percussion. They're both breathless, her from their little carnal play and him from exertion mostly. They glide across each other and Ren looks up, searching, curious if Goro had been watching. Several heads block his view but as he pivots some more, he catches sight of Goro.

Goro's sitting where Ren left him but now there's a man in a white button-up next to him. Ren leans back a bit and inclines his head, but he's too far to get a clue on what's happening. He loses his footing and stumbles, his dance partner yelping as he almost falls on her. He turns back to her and apologizes, trying to get back into their groove. Concentrating on the dance only lasts a few seconds though, and he's back to looking at Goro again. Goro seems to be unmoving but the man beside him is more animated, flailing a hand here and there as he talks. The girl he's dancing with snakes her arms around his neck again and nudges his head to capture his attention. He interrupts their slow swaying and slides her completely off him, excusing himself as he exits the dance floor.

Ren makes his way back towards the bar. As he gets closer, Goro's demeanor becomes much clearer. He still has his legs crossed, back straight and poised. His left arm lays across his middle, hand tucked beneath his right elbow. His right hand is by his chin, fingers restless as it rolls and stretches intermittently.

What worries Ren is the expression Goro's making. A knowing sneer paints Goro's features, an eyebrow slightly raised, narrowed eyes, and a cruel curling of lips dripping with contempt. To the untrained eye, Goro would look quite sultry and inviting. However, Ren knows better and has seen this before ― in the Metaverse before a slaughter.

The music slowly fades to a stop. Ren muses the DJ must be preparing for his next mix. He hears the man hollering in the distance, his voice echoing unpleasantly. "―Women throw themselves at me all the time!" The man slaps his knee as he laughs boisterously.

When Ren is close enough, Goro takes notice of him first. They hold eye contact, Ren raising his eyebrows questioningly and Goro's smile widening maliciously in response. _Okay… That's not good._

The man finally takes notice of Ren and gives him a slap to the arm but misses, his metallic watch hitting Ren on the wrist instead. "You must be the fiancé! He mentioned he was engaged!"

Ren rubs at the spot of impact and studies the man. He's fairly built and clearly drunk out of his mind. His hair's a little mussed, hair gel clumps visible under the glow of the lights. His collar is sticking up, tie loose and shirt untucked. He has a rugged face and extremely red from his neck all the way to his scalp, with droopy eyes that hint at salacious intentions.

"I was just…" the man gestures to Goro, "talking to your lovely partner over here." He leans closer, looking Goro up and down. "Very lovely… telling him about the other night I had." He holds up his hands in defense all of a sudden. "No funny stuff, I swear! We were just talkin', ain't we?" The man chuckles.

Ren looks over at Goro again, but Goro is looking at the ground, raised hand no longer flexing leisurely, now digging the nails of his gloved fingers against the base of his thumb. He sees Goro take a deep breath. Ren then realizes he has to intervene right now if he wants to prevent a body count in the premises.

The man leans in some more and is about to lay a hand on Goro's shoulder when Ren steps in between them. Ren can smell the alcohol in his breath. "I think it's time for you to go." The man stutters as Ren slowly pushes him off of his stool with his forearm.

It doesn't take much for the man to give, stumbling onto his feet. "Hey, com'on! No need to be jealous! We were just getting to know each other, right!? Um…" The man tries to get Goro's attention but Ren blocks Goro from view. "I didn't actually get his name…"

Ren raises his hands, placating the man. "Please go home. It's… for your own safety."

The man tiptoes and tries to sidestep Ren to get to Goro but is unsuccessful. "Move, man! I wasn't doing anything!" He glares at Ren, balling his fists. He's definitely bulkier than Ren, but shorter and top heavy. Plus, his drunkenness renders him off-kilter, easy to subdue if need be. When Ren doesn't move from where he stands, the man swats at him weakly and flips him off. "Bah! Fuck you!"

Ren watches the man disappear behind the black curtains that lead to the club entrance hallway. He deflates, hands on his hips and stooping his head in relief. _That could've been really bad._ He turns on his heel to stand directly in front of Goro, still keeping his head low and shoulders hunched. Ren plants both hands on either side of Goro onto the bar behind him, trapping him with no way to escape. He sighs and looks up into the same knowing sneer Goro's been wearing, though the disgust is mostly gone, replaced with more amusement.

Ren tilts his head, giving Goro a sly look. "You have that look."

"What look?" Goro has the gall to bat his lashes at him, feigning innocence and playing up the charm characteristic of his Detective Prince persona. It does nothing to hide the ferocious glint in his eye though. If anything, it makes him look even more sinister.

Ren can't help his smile. " _That_ look. I know that look," Ren leans in closer, his voice dropping to a mere whisper, "Crow."

Goro's expression unveils more of his ruthless nature at the mention of his old moniker. He hooks his hand at the front of Ren's shirt and pulls him closer until his lips graze the shell of Ren's ear. "He was spitting _filth_ ," Goro says through his teeth, voice heavy and low with venom, "and I was about to gut him like the _pig_ he is."

The threat sends a shiver down Ren's spine and he revels in it. He's back in the Metaverse again, fighting side by side with Goro, hacking and slashing shadows apart, synchronized and with flawless teamwork. It gives him a familiar rush he hasn't felt in a long time. Ren pulls back to make eye contact again. "As much as I would've loved to see that, murder is illegal." Ren winks at him playfully.

Goro scoffs. "Pity." He pushes Ren back and twists in his chair to reach behind him for his glass. He's about to take a swig when Ren takes it from him.

"Nuh-uh. You've had enough."

"Ren." Goro warns sternly.

He examines the glass. "I was actually impressed that the real hard stuff barely had an effect on you. I was wrong, though… Let me tell you something, you skipped past a few drunken levels and went straight to bloodthirsty. I didn't even know that was possible." Ren chuckles and downs the drink.

Goro glares at him. "I'm good company as long as nobody pisses me off, thank you very much."

Ren makes a face and coughs. "Ugh, this is so strong…!" He sets the glass down and catches the bartender's attention to order water for them both.

Goro shakes his head. "Child."

Ren feels that that last glass was the tipping point. He can already feel tomorrow morning's headache. Their water arrives and he takes a big gulp to stave off the burning, making a face and groaning as he puts the glass down. "Is that why you didn't want to come in here? Perverts coming on to you?"

The glass doesn't even make it to Goro's lips, Goro stopping midway. He visibly deflates and purses his lips into a tight line but doesn't say anything.

Ren quirks an eyebrow at him. "What?"

Goro sighs and shakes his head, glancing at Ren at the corner of his eye. "If I tell you, don't laugh."

Straightfaced, Ren holds up a hand, flimsily swearing his oath to abide ― he'll break it the first chance he gets. Something tells him this'll be too good to not use to rile Goro up.

"I'm actually… banned from several clubs for… breaking people's fingers."

Ren gawks at Goro, blinking bewilderedly. "You're… You're _what?_ " Maybe he heard that wrong, brain too sluggish to process any information.

"For some reason, I attract those kinds of idiots whenever I go to clubs. So I got a little pissed and crushed some fingers! Big deal! Normal reaction! Who wouldn't want to poke any degenerate's sticky eyes out or grind their slimy hands underfoot!?" Goro says almost frantically, then points an accusatory finger at Ren, "―and you said you wouldn't laugh, you fucking liar." He relents and focuses on his water, huffing through his nose. "Whatever."

Ren's shoulders shake from trying to hold in his laughter. It really isn't all that funny, but the visual of Goro wreaking havoc in a club is just too good. His gut hurts and there's tears in his eyes. When his lungs protest, he sucks in air and takes labored breaths to recover. "That's… Nothing could've prepared me for that." He wipes at his eyes to get rid of the tears. "So, outside… you said, 'in case things go wrong'. Was that you giving your lawyer advanced notice?"

"No," Goro rolls his eyes at him. "That was me warning Yu of possible casualties and another nightclub I'll be banned from."

Ren's smile falters a little bit. Even alcohol isn't enough of a buffer to cushion him from that name. It's amazing how fast that name kills his mood. He swallows, hoping his voice doesn't sound strained. "… He must be worried about you then. What time should we get going? It's getting pretty late." He can't look at Goro all of a sudden.

"He's actually away on a business trip."

Ren's breath gets caught in his chest.

"Left yesterday, back on Monday. He tried to pack for me so I'd come with him. Said he'd be lonely." He shakes his head. "So clingy. It's three days, for crying out loud. But you know what, _I'm_ going on a cross-prefecture conference next month." He pours himself another glass of water. "It'll be _his_ turn to be left behind… see how he likes it," he pouts.

Ren laughs. "You turned him down when he asked you to come with him. Now you're sulking because you're lonely. You just love being difficult, don't you? You're an expert at it."

"Yeah, but he doesn't need to know that!"

 _I'm sure he knows._ Ren sits back and tries to keep his heart from getting cleaved into two. Goro's fiancé always worms his way into their conversation at least once and it never fails to upset Ren. Yu manages to spoil his time with Goro every time they hang out, as if possessing some form of omnipotence, knowledgeable of his feelings for Goro, and he pops up whenever Ren gets too close.

Ren decides he's too sober for this and thinks of ordering another bottle.

"Speaking of, have I ever told you… that you two aren't so different?"

Ren turns his head to him with raised brows. "Huh?" His heart thumps an anxious beat. His muscles tense in defense, rigid in the way his fight or flight response kicks in. The last thing he wants is to be compared to the man who has the one thing he can't have anymore. He thinks that to be too cheap and too cruel.

Goro shifts in his seat, stretching his legs. "With Yu, I mean. You have a lot in common with him. You both prefer to see the good in people, infuriatingly cheeky sometimes, self-assured…" He pauses. "Well, you're cockier and more of a showoff compared to him. Reckless, even." Goro is thoughtful again. "But you're both kind and… naturally bring people together. It'd be nice if all three of us met up sometime, no? I think you two would get along well."

 _What a terrible fucking idea… I need another drink._ If Ren's going to have to take this, he needs to get shitfaced wasted to not remember the deep cuts this gives him in the morning. If alcohol can numb, it can stitch his heart back together too. He asks the bartender for a bottle of their strongest.

Goro eyes him suspiciously. "Look who needs an intervention now."

"If we're going to have a heart-to-heart, we're going all in." Ren hopes his lighthearted tone is convincing enough.

"You've only gotten more insolent with age," Goro clicks his tongue.

To Ren's relief, Goro drops anything related to Yu, opting for berating Ren on his shit taste for alcohol once their bottle arrives and they fill their glasses. The club's strongest is 'all strength' and 'no relish' apparently, and Ren's at fault for not getting something with more 'bite' and less aftertaste. Ren doesn't understand half of what Goro means at this point and allows him to ramble at length. Goro orders chasers for them both shortly after and this seems to appease his picky taste buds.

Ren grows quieter as he drinks more, opting to just listen, not that he can completely make heads or tails of their conversation anymore, but Goro's tirades keep him grounded. He thinks he just likes hearing Goro's voice.

On the other hand, Goro comically flits between topics without missing a beat. His hair-trigger temper has him recounting to Ren annoying instances when he was fighting one of the tentacles of Maruki's persona. Goro's tone then abruptly turns tender as he segues to his first encounter with therapy dogs at his university during finals week, staying for unprecedented amounts of time just to pet them.

Ren smiles to himself. The duality of Akechi Goro really does threaten to give Ren whiplash on top of weak knees and a quivering heart.

They've turned their attention to the dance floor, their interest having shifted to people watching. The music's back on but the songs are more mellow now, something people could simply sway to.

"She was cute, by the way," Goro says mid-drink. Ren looks at him questioningly and Goro points his glass towards the left of the dance floor. There, Ren sees the girl he was dancing with earlier. She's now slow-dancing with another guy, intimate in the way their pelvises are flushed together and barely any space between their faces. "Looks like you missed your chance though."

"Had your eyes on me, huh," Ren teases. "In my defense, I did invite you."

"I was watching in case you fell on your ass or something. That pig came on to me though," Goro grinds his teeth in irritation, "suddenly homicide sounded much more _fun_."

Ren shakes his head, recalling how they narrowly avoided a catastrophe and a lawsuit. "She wasn't my type, anyway."

Goro shrugs. "People have taken others home for less."

"Rude!" Ren laughs, whipping Goro in the arm. "I have standards, drunk or not drunk!"

Goro swivels in his seat and pours himself another drink as he leans on the counter, head propped up on a fist. He regards Ren under the bar lights with heavy-lidded eyes, expression unreadable. Ren stays slouched on his barstool, forearms resting on his thighs, glass loosely clasped in his hands. He meets Goro's gaze, a little agitated that this next bit can go whichever direction and he's not prepared, all the drinks he's had working to his disadvantage.

He doesn't trust himself to be able to handle Goro's unpredictability right now.

"No plans to settle down?" Goro asks.

Ren was expecting banter or a playful jab at his person, maybe a list of what sets him apart from Yu despite their alleged similarities in character. But the question comes out of the blue and out of all the people in his life who could possibly ask him this, he thinks it ironic and unfair that it ended up being Goro.

Ren lets out a breath in surprise. It's a genuine question, Ren knows this, but he's back on the defensive, anxiety prickling at his tongue, or is that the alcohol loosening his lips to make way for the truth? He swallows and begs with himself not to mess up now. He can't let his feelings bleed into his words. He can't be what ruins them. He can't be what destroys what little he and Goro already have.

"What does that mean?" Ren tries for a lighter tone.

Goro swirls his drink. "It means exactly what it means." He takes a sip. "You had ten or so girlfriends back in the day, didn't you? I thought you'd choose someone between them, that's all."

Ren furrows his brows in utter confusion. "What makes you think I had _ten girlfriends_ …!?" His voice rises about five octaves higher to almost a scandalized pitch that thankfully doesn't garner them any attention.

"Whenever I spotted you somewhere in the city, you were always with a different girl. That was, I don't know," Goro makes a show of calculating in his head, "three different girls per week at least? Turns out Tokyo's small enough if we frequented the same places."

Ren repositions himself in his seat to be able to refill his glass, a little bit aghast and at a loss for words. He shakes his head and drinks it all in one go. "Unbelievable."

"Embarrassed?" Goro smirks at him. "None of them seemed to have stuck around though. Either you got tired of them… or they dumped you after they found out. Bonus points if you got your ass handed to you."

"You know, you keep pinning me as this immoral womanizer. But something can be said about you too."

Goro frowns mid-drink. "What're you talking about?"

"You were insanely popular. Bet you were confessed to left and right wherever you went. There were magazine articles and even candid photos of you online placing you in cafés that were hotspots for couples ― you even had those aquarium tickets." Goro just stares flatly at him, so Ren leans in closer, playing up the bravado he barely feels. "You sure you're not projecting, Detective Prince? Who's to say you haven't had your fair share of dalliances?"

A quick roll of the eyes and an exasperated sigh is what he gets as an initial response. Goro is then leaning in, putting a finger up to drive a point and shut him up. Ren's always been helpless in the face of Goro 'putting him in his place'. This is his personal downfall, taking pleasure in the way Goro's sharp eyes judge him. His brain's swimming in a pool of loss inhibitions and unrestrained impulses, and it's really hard to concentrate on not fucking up when Goro's this close. There's a line in Ren's head that he never wants to cross out of respect and out of love for Goro. Don't get too close. Don't get too close.

_Don't get too close―Goro is engaged._

"First of all, you're forgetting I had a food blog," Goro pokes him in the arm, "and I was a teenage media darling whom café owners capitalized on for good reviews. All for appearances and not because I was out on dates, you fool." Ren opens his mouth to say something but Goro shushes him. "And those tickets were extras from a coworker, if you'd even bother to remember. I didn't give them to you because my date bailed on me."

Ren looks at him suspiciously. "Not one date? It didn't even have to be a serious one."

"Knowing what you know of me, you really think I had time for that?" Goro challenges him with a glare.

"Knowing what you know of _me_ , you'd know I was just as busy as you! I made time to hang out!"

"Hence the ten girlfriends you haven't denied," Goro jabs, looking away slyly as he takes another drink.

Ren sighs. It makes his stomach flip thinking that Goro sees him as some sleazy playboy on the side. He wishes he could've nipped this misunderstanding in the bud as soon as it's conception. "Okay. Goro, none of them were my girlfriends. I didn't even have one then. That was all Phantom Thief business." His voice is quieter, shedding the quips and putting forth a more serious dialogue.

Goro hums in a singsong manner, still not looking at him and nursing his drink.

Ren looks at him with earnest eyes. He also wants Goro to look at him and see his honesty, his yearning, his deep affection and love for him. _I've only ever looked at you. I've only ever wanted you._ If Goro would just look at him, peel away the masks he wears in order to protect Goro's happiness from Ren's own selfishness. Ren finds himself wanting to reach out and he bites his tongue to hold fast to his remaining wits. The pain calms the clamoring behind his chest at least.

"I'm a very loyal man."

Ren likes how that sounds. Truth by omission.

Goro raises an eyebrow, still playful. "Are you now?"

"I held on to your glove, didn't I?"

There's a beat of stunned silence, Ren thinking he's said too much. He wants Goro to understand but also not to, and it kills him inside. But Goro's smiling, a gentle upturning of his lips that crinkle the corner of his eyes. The sight of it and the fact that it's directed towards him makes Ren's heart melt.

"I guess."

Ren feigns offense. "You have to give me more credit than that!"

"Greedy. That's all you get," Goro says with finality, sliding out of his chair.

"Where're you going?"

"Bathroom." Goro points to their bottle. "And help me empty that. Otherwise, that's money down the drain."

Once Goro is out of sight, the stress and exhaustion Ren's been keeping at bay all crash down on him. He pours himself another glass and leans on the counter. To Goro, everything's more or less the same between them ― they're rivals, enemies turned friends, two men who had a shared connection, and most importantly, Goro still has full trust in him. For someone as guarded and distrustful as Goro, that trust is a privilege and Ren would do anything to preserve it even if it costs Ren his heart.

Goro is engaged. _Don't get too close. Goro is engaged._

He shouldn't see Goro again ― a conviction he should've stuck with the moment Goro walked out of the café all those months ago. But Ren _wants_ and despite knowing firsthand how detrimental his selfishness can be, he's tired. Repeatedly saving the world as the handpicked Trickster somehow fucked him up even more, ingraining in him that he is a blank slate that shouldn't _want_ and therefore, can't _have_.

He's not infallible or perfect. He's human first and foremost, who wants to love and be loved back. How is the world free to indulge in even their most debauched desires, yet he can't even fill his most basic one?

Ren rests his head on the counter, the coolness of it setting him at ease. It's an uphill battle, and it always will be considering how an engagement is pretty fucking final. He thinks about how their relationship, as strongly as it stands now, would hold up once Goro's actually married. He likes to think he'd be invited but won't show up because the thought of witnessing the ceremony firsthand kills him.

Goro comes to view in the distance and Ren supposes his time to recuperate is up. It's tough, but what isn't? What has ever come easy in his life? As long as he doesn't cross the line, they can stay the way they are. He just has to remember to never cross the line.

_Don't get too close. Goro is engaged._

* * *

"Goro―" Ren laughs. "Stop―Stop pinching me!" There's the sound of keys jingling and then a thud. "Oh, just the keys digging into me…" More rustling and jingling, and finally Ren's able to pry the doors to his apartment open.

Ren hoists Goro, who's passed out drunk, onto his back better while watching his own footing, not wanting to slip and hurt them both. He's thankful for not being nauseous despite his vision doubling, otherwise getting home would've been a bigger ordeal. He nudges the door close and toes off his shoes. He debates getting Goro's shoes off too, but thinks that if he loses his balance and they both fall, he wouldn't have the energy to pick them both back up. He feels up the wall to find the light switch to no avail. He doesn't even remember if this is the wall it's on. He adjusts Goro on his back again and decides to forego the lights because Goro is slipping and Ren can only keep this position up for so long.

He realizes he left the curtains slightly open, soft moonlight and the glow of the street lamps from the city below filter in, giving him enough light to see where he's going. He knocks the side of his leg against the coffee table and gropes for the arm of the couch, carefully crouching when he finds it and slowly lowering Goro in a lying position on the couch. His legs lose strength and he collapses onto the floor, wincing and sitting up straight to stretch his back. He runs a hand through his hair and struggles to remember what happened in the last hour.

Ren remembers excusing himself to go to the bathroom and coming back to Goro passed out on the counter. He checks his watch for the time and thinks it wise to call it a night. He asks the bartender to call a cab for them as he deals with the chore of waking Goro up, who only scowls and burrows his face further into his arm when he shakes him. He has no idea where Goro lives, so he tries coaxing him for his address, which also gets him nowhere and soon enough, the bartender informs him their ride has arrived. He decides to just let Goro crash at his place. It's probably not ideal to leave a drunk person alone anyway ― what if Goro throws up and chokes on his own vomit?

So here they are now.

Ren digs the base of his hands into his eyes and crawls over to take Goro's shoes off. He makes his way towards the entrance and neatly places them off to the side before stumbling back, banging his shin against one of the corners of the coffee table so hard it makes a grating noise as it skids against the floor. He curses and immediately shushes himself ― "Ah, fuck! Shh! You'll wake Goro up, dumbass…" ― plopping down on the floor beside Goro's sleeping form.

Ren holds himself up using his elbows and peeks up at Goro's face, checking if the racket from earlier disturbed him. Goro's hair is a bit unruly, his loose ponytail now barely catching all his hair, and several stray strands cover his face. Ren combs through them gently with his fingers, smooth and silky against his skin, sweeping his long fringes aside and splaying what he can around his head like a halo. Ren smiles at how peaceful Goro looks, no smugness or a frown, though he loves those expressions too. This is a sight he's never seen before and it tugs at his heart. He traces careful fingers by Goro's temple when Goro stirs, blinking slowly as he's roused from sleep.

"Oh. Hey." At the sound of Ren's voice, Goro slowly turns his head to him, squinting as his eyes adjust. "Sorry for waking you." Ren chuckles as he continues to caress Goro's hair. 

Goro looks at him with glassy eyes. In the way he tilts his head, Ren can tell that Goro's brain is working hard to dispel sleep and the haze of alcohol to make out figures and shadows in the dark. He seems to like the butterfly touches Ren trails by his forehead though, closing his eyes and leaning into it.

"Is this my win then?" This has Goro looking up at him again. He really likes it when Goro has his eyes on him. Having loved those beautiful red eyes, how deep and expressive they are, Ren would give the world to be under his gaze constantly. "I lasted longer than you, sleepyhead," he teases.

Goro furrows his brows. Ren supposes everything must be muffled and distorted to him right now. No point in explaining where he is and why he's here then. They'll talk more in the morning when both their heads are screwed on right.

"Go back to sleep. You're pretty out of it. In the morning, I'll―"

"… Yu?"

Ren's hand stills and so does the beating of his heart. His ears ring as his whole world crumbles beneath his feet and he's swallowed by an unforgiving void without a fight. He doesn't move, doesn't speak, doesn't breathe, fearing he'll fall apart at the slightest tremor.

"Yu? What's wrong?" Goro asks again.

Ren swallows.

_Do I… Do I look like him?_

Thinking on it now, he actually doesn't know much about Yu, apart from the little inconsequential snippets Goro shares from time to time, but Ren surmises that Yu is a good man, a better man than Ren for sure, seeing as Goro chose to spend the rest of his life with him. If it were up to Ren, he'd rather Yu stay as an unknown entity to him ― faceless and voiceless ― having no interest in getting to know the man he'll forever be envious of.

Was Yu the easier choice compared to Ren? That has to be the reason Goro chose to abandon their bond in favor of a new life with Yu, right? Goro did say they were the same ― except Ren is complicated and Yu came into his life with no strings attached. There was no malevolent being toying with them, no attempted murder, no convoluted scheme that resulted in distrust and death, no bargain that involved forced hands and a second death, no hindrance to their slow burn romance―

_Yu is a lucky man._

He caresses Goro's hair again, eyes softening and lips forming a gentle smile.

 _Don't get too close._ _Goro is―_

He decides it's okay to want things sometimes. It's not wrong.

_I want to be happy, too._

He wants to know what it feels like to be loved, to be the person Akechi Goro loves.

_I want to know what it feels like to be 'Yu'._

"Nothing's wrong, Goro." Ren finally answers, bringing up his other hand to entwine their fingers together.

Goro hums and worries one of Ren's knuckles between his thumb and forefinger. "You're back already…? I missed you."

Ren's heart tightens in his chest. He almost can't breathe.

_This mistake will cost you._

"I missed you, too." Ren's hand drifts from Goro's temple to his cheek, feeling smooth skin that still retains some of the chill from the night. "I've missed you so much…"

_You just got him back._

Shapeshifting into whatever a person needs him to be is of no consequence, an everyday occurrence that ultimately rewards him with a bond he can use as a vehicle to whatever advantage he so chooses. But settling into the shoes of a man just to experience what it's like to be him is more intrinsically motivated, something he's never done before. He never thought his vivid fantasizing and dreaming would eventually lead to self-deception.

How does Yu talk? What does he call Goro? He doesn't want to shatter the illusion.

_You don't do this to the one you love._

Can he be just as good as Yu?

Ren's hand dips further until the pad of his thumb grazes Goro's lips. They're soft and pliant, willingly parting with the slightest touch. He wants to stick a finger in the slick heat of Goro's mouth, lave his finger with his spit as he plays with his tongue.

Goro's still looking at him with half-lidded eyes, red irises shining under the dim light and Ren craves to drown in them. As if magnetized, Ren leans in closer until he can smell the alcohol in Goro's breath mixing with the fading jasmine scent of his shampoo. The urge to bury his nose at the crook of his neck is too strong to resist, so he lets himself be pulled in some more until their breaths are mingling in the space, or lack thereof, between them.

"Yu…" Goro whispers, eyes almost closed, tilting his chin up. Another twinge in his heart but he barely feels it this time.

_This is too close―_

It'll be okay. Let him have this. Maybe Goro will come to his senses in the next second and kill him for this. That's fine, too. He's into it.

_Goro is engaged―_

_Tonight, he's engaged to me._

It's a simple touching of the lips, Ren testing the waters and gauging Goro's reaction. Ren's breathing is filled with nervous energy but he notices that Goro seems to be holding his in. Growing bolder, Ren glides their lips together again but allows his tongue to cascade against Goro's lower lip this time, eliciting a gasp and Goro slightly puckering his lips in response, chasing Ren's own as Ren partially draws back. It sends a tingling down his spine all the way to his toes, igniting his nerve endings and he'd be damned to not admit wanting more.

On two separate occasions, he's been tempted to partake of the forbidden fruit for personal gain and he has successfully refused both times. It's quite satirical in that this third attempt at temptation is essentially self-sabotage with himself as the orchestrator, and he eagerly bites into the fruit proffered.

Ren goes to slot their mouths together with more intention, and Goro opens his mouth with the slightest nudge but comes down with teeth, just hard enough to capture the fullness of Ren's bottom lip and tug. The fire in the pit of Ren's core surges, breath stuttering and fingertips twitching from surprise. Ren draws back, pulling his lip out from between Goro's teeth, stunned gray meeting quiet red.

Ren only hesitates for a second, momentarily regaining self-awareness, before giving in to the pull of Goro's gravity to crash his and Goro's mouths in a flurry of fervor and desperation. He takes the hand in his and pins it beside Goro's head, shifting in his position to bear him down against the couch. Ren shoves his tongue into Goro's mouth, licking behind his teeth to slide their tongues together, and Goro moans―

It's like getting splashed with a bucket of ice cold water except it's the bucket that hits him square in the jaw. His brain suddenly rights itself and he pulls back urgently, wide-eyed and breathing hard, the loss of heat against his mouth startling and disorienting. Goro lays underneath him, dishevelled and pink in the cheeks, whether from alcohol or stimulation or both ― Ren takes a shuddering breath, draws his hands back as if he's been burned, and sits back on his haunches, horrified at what he's done.

A sound almost like a sob is ripped out of Ren, forcefully expelling the air from his lungs, followed by big gulps of air. "I'm sorry―I'm so sorry… I'm sorry, Goro―I―"

He hears rustling. "Yu?"

Ren squeezes his eyes at the name. "I'm sorry," he whispers again. "I'm sorry…"

He feels hands frame his face and he looks up to find Goro staring at him, a hint of worry in his expression. He's always wanted to be held by these hands, but they aren't for him, they will never be for him. Right now, Goro's hands are akin to barbed wires against his skin, scratching and drawing blood.

He takes a moment to calm himself, then he rises to his knees again to hover over Goro. He slides Goro's hands off him and lays them on his abdomen instead. "You should go back to sleep. You've―You've had a long night."

Goro doesn't say anything, only settling against the couch and pillows comfortably. His head lolls to the side and he closes his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Ren whispers again, choking on the last syllable, "… I love you."

"Love… you, too…" Goro mumbles as he drifts off.

He waits until Goro's breathing evens out before unfolding his legs and dropping to the floor, the heaviness behind his ribcage threatening to crush him alive. A throbbing in his left temple has him laying his head in the small space next to Goro on the couch, his spine now twisted in a way that'll sure cause him grief in the morning but he can't bring himself to care, stewing in the misery of his own making.

He looks towards the window and watches dust speckles float against the light coming in through the curtains. His eyes are starting to get heavy, exhausted from the whirlwind of events that happened tonight. His misgivings earlier about inviting Goro for drinks weren't unfounded. Ren thought he could handle it, that despite his selfishness, he'd always do the right thing.

A paragon of absolute bullshit.

Sometimes he wonders how long he can keep up the charade of wearing masks upon masks ― it wasn't this hard, it was never this hard with other people ― while nursing the growing hole in his chest.

Sometimes he wonders if Goro suspects anything, if Goro wishes he didn't wait eight years to find him again.

Sometimes, Ren finds himself wondering what hurts more, if Goro had stayed 'dead' or keeping his love for him in the dark.

* * *

Ren wakes up in the most boring of ways, not with a startle or from pain, but because of the rushing in his ears and the strong sunlight shining directly at him and blinding him behind his eyelids. He blinks awake and the first thing he notices is that he's on the floor and on his side, facing the base of the couch. He waits for his bleary eyes to adjust before getting up, and that's when all the aches and soreness make themselves known now that the bliss of sleep has gone.

There's an angry pounding behind his eyes, like his brain is trying to escape the cage of his skull. The crick in his back isn't so bad, the shoulder he'd been laying on is numb though, and his legs feel boneless. On top of needing to piss, Ren feels like shit, like he got hit by a truck then smashed over the head with a bag of bricks. He rubs at his face with both hands and sits up, almost falling over again when the room spins, but he catches himself on the edge of the couch.

"Ugh…" The inside of his mouth feels musty when he moistens his chapped lips with saliva. _Why are the curtains wide open?_ He faces away from the windows to get away from the sun. He slouches against the couch, carefully rolling his numb shoulder and stretching his legs to get the blood flowing in them again. He kneads his temples with the joint of his thumbs in circular patterns, trying to find those nice pressure points to stimulate some sort of relief, when he hears a squeak and the rushing in his ears stop.

The sudden quiet makes Ren look up around him. He confirms that this is indeed his apartment and his drunk ass didn't break into somebody else's home by mistake. There's no one else with him that he can see but he doesn't feel alone is the problem. He feels like he's missing something, a lot of things, but doesn't know where to start. He hears the bathroom door click open and for some reason his anxiety spikes. It's probably someone he brought home last night if he could actually remember anything, but if it's an intruder, which it won't be, he's a sitting duck with how incapacitated he is.

He hears the door swing open and then light footsteps. He looks toward the hall that leads to the bathroom and a figure emerges shortly, bringing with them the fragrance of Ren's own body wash.

There stands Goro, towel over his head and wearing his clothes from yesterday. He's barefoot and his hair's damp, still dripping at the ends onto the hardwood floor. He steps out further into the living room, into the light, and Ren didn't think he could short circuit any more than he already has.

"Look who finally decided to wake up," Goro says as he dries his hair. Ren continues to gawk at him, no response or reaction, just a blank stare with his mouth hanging open, mind stuttering to catch up with what he's seeing. He's trying to recover from the fact that a freshly showered Goro is standing in his apartment, and what takes him out of his reverie is Goro waving to him from across the room. "Hello? Earth to Ren…?"

Ren shakes his head and he winces at the violent jostling of his brain. "Fuck…" He has his head in his hands, neck suddenly too fatigued to even hold it up. His back's not liking his slouch either so he straightens up. _Right, we went out last night…_ Memories of the night start trickling in. "My head's killing me…"

He hears Goro chuckle. "Child."

"Hey," he bites back, voice rough from sleep that it almost sounds like a growl. He points an accusatory finger at Goro. "You were out cold way before I was!" He immediately draws his hand back to dig his fingertips at the crown of his head. "God, yelling makes it worse…"

Goro shakes his head, gently squeezing his hair with a towel. "Hope you don't mind that I used your shower and mouthwash. I felt sticky and gross this morning. I'm sure as do you."

"Yeah, s'fine…"

"Ran my clothes through your washer and dryer. Didn't want to wear clothes that smelled disgusting."

"Just did laundry yesterday… could've borrowed some of mine instead." They probably still wear similar size clothing. At the back of his head, seeing Goro in his clothes would've been cute and he suspects would've cured his hangover instantly.

"I also made coffee. It's definitely not as good as your blends, so don't expect much."

Ren only grunts in response. He'd be much more thrilled about how this morning has taken a turn for the better if not for the mess he is right now ― hangover, back pain, he feels greasy, he's hungry, and he wants a long warm soak in the tub.

He groans in annoyance when he gets hit in the head with something soft but bulky. It falls to his lap and he realizes it's a towel. He clicks his tongue. "Is this how you treat someone who's hungover? Throw shit at them?"

"Go freshen up." Goro commands, sliding the towel off his head. "It'll make you feel better. I'm going to borrow your hair dryer."

"Yeah, help yourself to the entire place…" Ren mumbles bitterly, more from being badgered so early in the morning than anything else. He hears the hair dryer power up. He doesn't move from where he's sat, closing his eyes and slowly drifting again. Last night's events flash disjointedly in his mind, though the splitting pain in his head impedes any attempts at bridging the pieces together for even a minute semblance of cohesiveness. At the moment, he can't remember anything past the point of Goro telling him to finish the remainder of his drink. He figures it's too early to make sense of things and the bulk of it will come later.

The noise of the hair dryer stops. "Ren!" Goro yells from the bathroom.

Ren blinks awake, exasperated. "I'm up, I'm up…!" He tries to get his legs under him, grabbing the towel chucked at him earlier, and drags his feet to the bathroom. "How are you okay and I'm not?" There's no real heat behind it, just a mere rhetoric. "It's also the weekend. I can be a slob all I want."

Goro passes him and walks to the kitchen. His hair's neater, tied back in a low and loose ponytail again. He catches a whiff of his body wash on Goro and it does something to his brain. It's a rush of endorphins that momentarily ceases all that ails him, a blast of euphoria upon smelling himself on the person he loves, an arousal that incites possessiveness, a heightened kind of intoxication, and he wants a shot of it again when it starts to fade in the distance. He's about to follow Goro into the kitchen, drawn to him like a mindless bug to a light, when he walks back out with a mug of coffee. Ren can only blink when Goro hands it to him.

"It's the least I could do for…" Goro sighs, evidently embarrassed, "for looking out for me. I must've been a handful last night? My memory starts to get foggy after you… essentially saved that bastard from me castrating him."

Ren chuckles lightly and takes a sip. _A little watered-down but not bad._ Goro's phone vibrates and he takes it out of his pocket to check it. Ren's eyes drift to the vast expanse of skin exposed by the wide cut and scoop of the neck of Goro's shirt. Goro's jacket kept him pretty covered up last night so it wasn't as noticeable. But now without it, Goro's pale neck and collarbones are in full view and Ren can barely contain his indecency. He takes another sip of coffee, hoping the burn of it on his tongue keeps him from getting a goddamn boner.

"You reek of booze," Goro quips, crinkling his nose as he places his phone in his pocket but takes something small out of it at the same time. Ren watches as Goro slips the silver band around his right ring finger. He looks away before it's seated all the way down, hiding his discontent with another sip of his coffee.

The familiar heartache joggles his memory violently and fragmented images of moonlight, sweet caresses, soft lips and hungry mouths, of slick tongues, hot breaths, and the bitter secondary taste of alcohol from another's mouth obtrusively present themselves to the forefront of his brain.

_H-Huh…?_

Ren forcibly conjures whatever memories he can unearth, the gears in his head in full swing, making his headache worse to the point that the room starts to spin. What did he do? Did he hurt Goro? How far did he go? He racks his brain for details, suspecting the worst-case scenario, caught in the throes of panic until a wave of nausea hits him and makes him lightheaded. What did he do? What did he do what did he do―

"Ren?"

He blinks and Goro's baffled expression comes into focus. It takes him another few seconds to let out the breath he'd been holding. He feels cold all over. _He doesn't remember…_ His gut twists but he holds the nausea down. _If he knew… I'd… he wouldn't still be here._ Ren swallows. _I can't… He can never know._

"Ren." Goro shakes him gently. He looks away when Goro seeks eye contact. The guilt tears at his insides and his sin threatens to spill from his mouth.

"Sorry. My―My head's just…" He pulls at a handful of hair at the top of his head, the stinging ironically bringing him comfort.

Goro disentangles his fingers from his hair. "Take an aspirin. Drink a lot of water." Ren can feel the cold metal of his ring and he fights the urge to flinch away. "And take a goddamn shower."

Ren sighs. "I will." He takes his hand back but already misses the heat of Goro's own. He feels filthy knowing what he knows and he can't shake the thought that he continues to defile Goro just being in the same space as him. "I will," he repeats, "after I take a piss. My bladder is killing me."

"Everything seems to be killing you right now."

Hit the nail on the head. _You don't know the half of it._

"Anyway, it doesn't seem like you need to be babysat." Goro walks past him toward the living room to grab his jacket draped over the back of the couch. "If you're all good, I actually have some things to take care of at work."

"Aren't you―" Ren gestures at him up and down, "feeling unwell at all? I think you drank even more than I did."

"Of course, I felt like shit. But then I _showered_. So go already!" He shoos Ren away like a naughty mutt as he heads for the door.

Ren deflates. "How many more times do you plan on telling me that?"

"Because you're not doing it!" Goro laughs in exasperation. He turns the knob and has one foot out the door. "Thanks for last night, Ren. I had fun."

Ren responds with a nod and a faint smile.

* * *

Besides the sound of the water spraying and the pitter-pattering of it as it hits the tub floor, Ren's bathroom is an echo chamber for his guilt. What happened last night plays in his head like a film, words that were whispered repeat like a broken record, tactile memory pristine with his bones remembering every surface it touched. He watches the water swirl down the drain, eyes vacant and bleak. He steadies himself with a hand on the wall and massages his temples with the other.

_You got too close._

He sighs, rubbing a little harder to get his conscience to shut up. There's a sinking feeling in his gut, a fear that grips his insides with icy cold claws. He knows, he gets it. He fucked up. He fucked up monumentally and he can only hope Goro remembers none of it.

An incredible breach of trust for the sake of self-indulgence ― Ren toed the line, fell, and chose to test the limits instead of retreating behind it. He doesn't even try to justify it with alcohol. He remembers actively choosing to pretend who he wasn't, to kiss Goro, to slide his tongue in and have a taste. He remembers having ravenous thoughts at the first whiff of Goro's heady scent, possessing a hunger that can only be satiated by marking Goro's skin, wanting to pin Goro down and melt into his warmth.

He shifts his gaze from the drain towards his lower half. Here he is, burdened with insurmountable regret, wishing he could turn back time to undo the shit he did, but instead of repulsion, his body finds his debauchery a turn on.

He closes his eyes and leans forward, gently smacking his head against the cold tiles a couple of times. The vibration from his skull reaches all the way to his jaw, each individual tooth tingling at the root. His brain's fried from trying to tame an amalgamation of his hangover and emotions, and he's pretty much given up on making sense of anything.

Deciding to lock away his desires was the right thing to do, hoping all of it would go away on its own. But none of it ever did, just piles and piles of heartache and repressed longing, until the prison is bursting at the seams. All it took was a small snag for everything to unravel at his lap, the allure of happiness and pleasure too great to defy. He's surprised his heart hasn't given rise to a Palace yet ― last night was the most selfish and twisted he'd ever been.

He took an aspirin before getting in the shower and what's left of the throbbing is more or less a dull ache. Distantly, he thinks he's one orgasm away to be rid of it completely. His body's already knee-deep in the gutter and he doesn't see much point in fighting his arousal in the privacy of his own bathroom.

Ren wraps a hand around his shaft and slowly pumps his half-hard cock to full erection. He thinks about Goro's revealed skin from earlier, beautiful and marble-like, perfect for nipping and biting until bruises blossom, latch onto a small patch and suck hard enough to make blood vessels pop.

_"… Yu?"_

Ren opens his eyes at the memory, fantasy momentarily broken.

_"What's wrong?"_

Without fail, Yu is like a warding seal to keep Ren in his place. His dick in his hand is immediately losing interest but his body remains heated and his skin is prickling in want of a release.

_"I missed you."_

He was already 'Yu' last night. He can indulge in being him for a little bit longer. It might even add something to the fantasy.

_"Love… you, too…"_

Ren's mind goes back to images of Goro's neck, now marred with lovebites, and wonders how dark Yu usually makes them. Does Goro scold him for marking him too high up to where his collar can't hide it? Does Yu do it on purpose to establish his territory? It's what would Ren do, anyway.

He licks his lips at the memory of Goro's wet mouth against his, tongue teasing his own as the smell of jasmine fills his senses. That mouth travels down all the way to his groin until soft lips circle around his cock. Can Goro take Yu all the way down his throat, mouth reaching the base of his cock until prickly stubbles tickle at his chin and nose?

His dick grows stiff in his hand again as he imagines himself sucking and biting Goro's pert nipple as he pinches and twists the other one. Will Goro moan Yu's name then, spread his legs for him to beckon him closer? Ren sighs at the sensation starting to go up and down his frame with each stroke of his cock. He squeezes his eyes shut, brow furrowing as he concentrates on the feeling.

"Goro…"

Does Yu fuck him good every night? Does he have a huge cock, girthier than Ren's, that stretches Goro out deliciously while tied to the bed they share? Does Goro cum so hard from getting filled he passes out just like he did last night?

Tightening his hand, Ren starts to thrust steadily, finding the perfect rhythm that makes his toes curl. Water's always been terrible as lubricant, so he angles away from the spray of the water and spreads the precum down his cock as it buds at the tip. How tight would Goro's hole be, having been used over and over by Yu already―

_No. You're 'him' right now._

Ren takes a deep breath.

_You're the fiancé._

He changes gears and switches to the fantasy of Goro riding him on their wedding bed. Ever the proud and haughty man, he thinks Goro wouldn't settle for being pushed around waiting to be ravished. If anything, Ren would be the one tied up on their honeymoon night. Goro would edge him until he can't take it anymore, finally punishing him for his insolence by sitting on his cock, the soft give of his hole and silky feel of his walls driving him insane that he can't help but yank at his restraints.

Ren's hips thrust more fervently, stuttering as he chases his release.

Filthy sounds, the squish and squelch as Goro fucks himself on Ren's cock, compounding with the rustling of the sheets and their heavy panting drive Ren's hips to meet Goro's whenever he drops down. Ren grits his teeth, he wants more, he wants to hold Goro, and he whispers into Goro's mouth to free his hands so he can fuck him better. Goro chuckles and berates him for being so cheeky, barely able to speak from the sheer force pounding his ass, sparking pleasure up his limbs and turning them into useless mush. Nevertheless, he concedes and reaches up, Ren immediately latching onto one of Goro's nipples and sucking hard when his chest comes into view. Goro yelps as soon as Ren's hands are unbound, wrapping them around Goro and rolling them over.

Ren spreads Goro's legs wider, hooking them at the crook of his elbows and pins Goro's hands on either side of his head. He resumes thrusting, a lot rougher and faster than before now that he has full control, eliciting moan after moan from Goro's swollen lips as he grazes every deep and sensitive spot inside him. Goro bites at Ren's lips, panting harder as he holds him between his teeth, and Ren crashes their mouths together with unbridled passion.

Goro moans his name over and over, telling Ren he's close, the clenching of his ass and shaking of his legs undeniable. Ren only spurs him on, whispering how good he feels, telling him to come on his cock, releasing his wrists to wrap his arms around Goro and hold his sticky and heated body flush against his. Free from their confines, Goro in turn wraps his legs around Ren, goading him deeper, and circles his arms around Ren's neck, scratching at his back as his climax draws close.

One hard thrust seats Ren so deep that Goro spasms in his arms and cries brokenly at the crook of Ren's neck, ropes of cum spilling from Goro's cock and onto his stomach as his eyelids flutter and legs shake in pure ecstacy. The pulsing of Goro's ass is more than enough to rip Ren's orgasm out of him. He fills Goro to the brim, Ren grinding their hips together as he milks their orgasms fully, Goro angling his lower half even more to keep Ren's cum from overflowing.

They're a frenzy of limbs and heaving chests as they ride out their high. Goro's the first to recover, raking his fingers through Ren's sweaty curls and purring as he basks in their afterglow. It takes Ren a few more minutes and then he's nipping at Goro's slick skin, a litany of 'I love yous' after each lick and kiss. Ren rises on his elbows and stares at Goro in reverie, carding his fingers through his hair, detangling the knots carefully. Goro smiles at him, liking the soft touches after their ravenous consummation.

He sweeps Goro's bangs aside and places a lingering kiss on his damp forehead. Ren tells Goro he loves him, and he's the happiest man in the world. He's glad Goro chose him, that they're together, and he will always be by Goro's side, heart forever belonging to him.

Goro lifts a hand and cups Ren's cheek, opens his mouth to say he loves him, too. Ren whispers Goro's name, leaning down for a kiss, and Goro whispers in turn, closing his eyes―

_"Yu…"_

Ren gasps, eyes flying open. He's back in the shower, water cascading down his face. He feels the chill of the air now, having leaned away from the spray of hot water, goosebumps peppering his skin. He looks down at his softening cock, hand coated in cum. He straightens up and lets the water wash everything away. 

He rarely jerks off in the shower despite its pragmatic appeal since it provides easier access to cleaning up ― beat one out quickly and get clean all in one go. It's still no contest to the dark hub of his bedroom, fisting his dick under the sheets, Goro's old glove in his mouth ― it's something he did during his sadder and lonelier nights in his younger, more desperate years, a habit which he eventually outgrew ― as he lets his imagination run wild. He's tainted Goro so many times in his mind ― and now in real life, too. For someone with a solid sense of self, Ren never thought fantasizing being someone else, someone essentially unknown to him, would be such good material to jerk off to.

He turns away from the water and squeezes a few globules of his body wash onto his hand, lathering it all over himself with a washcloth. It doesn't feel right. None of this does. But all he can really do now is wait, for his punishment, for his judgment, for the fates to spin the wheel like they always do to fuck with him one way or another, and see where it lands. Goro was awake last night, albeit in a daze, but he was awake. If he ends up remembering…

Ren heaves a sigh and lets it all go over his head. He can't fix a hypothetical. He doesn't want to prepare some sort of escape plan to explain his drunken misdemeanor either. It's frankly impossible but he wants to forget it happened, and maybe Goro will end up not remembering either. Maybe that'll be good enough.

They really were drunk. He wouldn't have done such a despicable act otherwise. He would never sacrifice his relationship with Goro for anything. Goro and his happiness, with or without him, will always be his priority, no matter the pain he endures.

He rinses and towels off, stepping out of the shower once he's sufficiently dry. The bathroom mirror's all fogged up so he wipes the steam away with his hand. Ren does feel better, but he can't really tell if that's from the shower or the orgasm. He still looks haggard though, pale and sickly, dark circles under his eyes, the remnants of his hangover threatening to stay for a few more hours.

But at least his headache is gone.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me @ ren  
> 
> 
> anyway, some shadow ops goro as a treat! only a temporary 'member' tho and not even a field agent (he'd be excellent at it, too) but itll have to do. he has a life to rebuild. aigis cameo 😌
> 
> come visit me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/thatumbrellaoni?s=09)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren runs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to all whos tuning into "ren's heartache: the fic" 🥰 we're halfway in! hang in there. guard your hearts because ren sure isnt. dont be like ren.
> 
> this chapter was a struggle to write (and so will ch4, Im sure). drafts for ch5 and 6/7 (final) are done tho! those were actually the first chapters to be properly written. ch1-4 were all mere outlines at the time.
> 
> now for some theme music  
> 1) "[vindicated](https://youtu.be/A94dmLthBHA)" by dashboard confessional  
> 2) "[heavy in your arms](https://youtu.be/bo1n6OTKb0k)" by florence + the machine  
> 3) "[arcade](https://youtu.be/oFrvRiixXcA)" by duncan laurence, suggested by flow, and by the gods, this is true ren-core for this fic  
> 4) "[closing time](https://youtu.be/5IXBuSVqyNk)" by semisonic
> 
> special thanks again to flow 🛐 because otherwise this fic would not have seen the light of day...
> 
> anyway happy holidays! heres a very nice christmas chapter 🔪

"It's definitely not your best."

 _Great._ "My apologies." Ren says humbly.

"And I've read every single one you've written."

Takeuchi, the bigwig who oversees the Tokyo branch of the conglomerate Ren works for, reclines in his chair as he flips a page, skimming down lines and lines of words that are all just fluff to fatten up the corporation's credentials in order to be the more attractive choice for a potential subsidiary. It'll result in a great income boon for those who are high enough in corporate ranks to directly reap the benefits, so Ren supposes Takeuchi has reason to be pickier than usual.

"Outstanding control of language, balanced enumeration of company resources and expenses, excellent showcasing of company assets… your usual, you know?" Takeuchi's eyes finally meet his. "Not just on paper either. Your presentations on the projects you head always start strong and end even stronger."

Ren isn't sure how to react, so he mumbles a small 'thank you' uselessly. He's been studying Takeuchi's body language and Ren's gauging how to play his cards.

Takeuchi is unimpressed and remains passive for now, though Ren is unfamiliar with Takeuchi's behavior in general. The ire of Ren's superiors has never been directed at him but he's heard stories of what happens behind closed doors. It's psychological warfare, premeditated and well-rehearsed, all the initial praise just a precursor to a severe reprimanding. It's a backhand and a harsh reminder of an employee's expendable status ― and Takeuchi's leveling Ren with it for the first time.

"I've never mentioned this before, but you have quite the talent for management and public speaking. You should be a politician." Takeuchi lets out a short laugh. "But I'm glad you aren't and have come to work for us instead."

The disgust that crawls over Ren at the suggestion feels like roaches skittering under his skin. He plasters on a tight smile while fighting the urge to scratch until he can dig the critters out. In his line of work, he meets new people quite often and they're always surprised by how articulate and well-spoken he is. Whether it's mainly because of his young age or that it contrasts with his appearance ― his hair remains curly and untameable but it's shorter, providing a clear view of the scowl that creeps onto his face sometimes, especially since he's stopped wearing glasses ― is up for debate as he's received either comment often enough. Ren is forever grateful for Yoshida's tutelage but he dislikes how his acquired skills give the automatic impression that he's most suited for the profession of some government dog.

Takeuchi turns his attention back to the papers in his hand and flips to another page. Anyone else would be sweating buckets having their work scrutinized for dotted i's and crossed t's, but Ren knows his worth. He's ingrained himself and his work well into the structure and operations of the company that firing him because of a sudden dip in the quality of his performance or quantity of his output would be a bigger blow to the business as a whole than micromanaging his sudden incompetence.

Most would say it's a good thing to not be on anyone's radar, advice not foreign to Ren, having been told since childhood to not stand out. Be on time, do as he's told, keep his head down, collect a paycheck ― the top tip he got during the job orientation. Of course, Ren's never been one to be held down by stringent principles, so his approach to his job was admittedly unusual and quite striking against the more subdued company culture and work environment.

Only a few weeks after his hiring, he subverted expectations when he volunteered to draft a report for a partnership deal. Ren remembers the entire room all turning to look at him with his feebly raised hand as if he morphed into an abomination on the spot. He found himself surrounded by raised eyebrows, jaws to the floor, held breaths, amused snorts, and quite the aggressive 'who even are you' from the front row. Needless to say, his initiative would've been immediately vetoed if it weren't for Takeuchi voicing his approval right then and there.

Ren was determined to make an impression fast and he suspected losing said partnership would be inconsequential, considering that the pitch for it was up for grabs, so he took his chances. Takeuchi eyed him that day like he was a strange sheep asking for permission to be fed to the fire, and Ren still isn't sure if it had been a test after all. Fortunately, Futaba's on his side and he was successful in parsing through raw data with her help for easy outlining. Pity turned into awe, sympathy squeezes on his shoulder turned into excited pats on the back, and derisive one-liners turned into congratulatory remarks when his report earned the company the partnership a month later.

Get to know the right people, slide into high profile projects, make a name for himself ― Ren's moved away from striking deals in the dark for covert purposes and nowadays, opts for more ostentatious feats to rig the larger playing field to his favor. He's established what he's capable of early, now his seat in the company is cushioned and warmed. He personally likes the stability and it keeps him grounded knowing there are those who rely on him. It's vindicating, self-satisfying, and keeps his sanity intact amidst the general mindlessness of life.

Ren knows he's hot shit, so it's never pleasant to hear his _work_ is shit.

He's been trying to keep his back straight for the past half hour as a show of respect, though the urge to slouch grows as he starts to tire of Takeuchi's mind games. Ren keeps his hands clasped in front of him to add an air of docility to his features, constantly reminding himself to relax his fingers.

"You've been with us for only a few years." Takeuchi adjusts in his chair as he reaches the final page of the report, then slides the papers across the table towards Ren. "But your progress and contributions… they're unlike anything I've ever seen before. I mean, it's unheard of that a junior such as yourself would be elected to be part of the representative team." Takeuchi flashes him an amiable smile.

_Oh god, I feel slimy just listening to this._

"Your presentations are always the talk of the month and your success rate makes you one of the top contenders for selling partnerships. As long as you're on the team for a campaign, it's likely to be prioritized for funding."

Takeuchi's been building him up, slowly edging him off the cliff, and Ren can only helplessly stare at the sheer drop, waiting for the eventual kick of disappointment that'll plunge him toward the brambles below. Takeuchi is taking too long to push him off and if it doesn't happen in the next minute, Ren is going to do him a favor and jump.

"People like you, Ren, that much is obvious. So whatever anyone's offering, we can and _will_ double it."

Ren blinks. _What?_ "Sir?"

Takeuchi clasps his hands together. "There have been… whispers about how your productivity has fallen off this past month. That was grounds to think you were slowly trying to break away from the company via a bad rap. You'd tank our sales, we'd fire you for it, then you'd boost up your new employer," he shrugs. "It's quite the common strategy. We've gotten better at catching such ploys, but only because we've become paranoid." He laughs heartily.

Ren fails to see any merit to it but stays quiet.

"I personally haven't sanctioned you for it because the results you continually bring in speak louder than baseless rumors." He gestures to Ren's report. "But do forgive me for jumping on the bandwagon now after witnessing the hearsay for myself. I was afraid we were losing you to a competitor who's secretly offered you a position elsewhere."

Ren blinks a couple more times. That metaphorical cliff he's at the edge of is suddenly crumbling beneath his feet. Being on the radar isn't so bad until it blows up in his face. "With all due respect, sir. If I wanted to leave, I would've simply resigned instead of jumping through hoops to be let go."

"Right."

He furrows his brows, trying to concentrate. "I would've gained nothing from destroying my reputation."

Takeuchi hums. "Fair enough." He regards Ren carefully, studying him for any signs of a lie, which honestly, Ren thinks, good for him. Ren isn't exactly a paradigm of moral integrity.

He guesses he has to outright say it to be believed ― nothing like being held to his word. "No one is trying to poach me from the company, sir," Ren sighs, hesitating on his next set of words. "I'm sorry if my work hasn't been satisfactory… I suddenly have a lot on my plate."

There's a pause, Takeuchi raising his eyebrows skeptically. "Have we given you too much to handle?"

"No. It's an unrelated matter."

"Is that the reason for your change in behavior then?"

Ren's eye twitches. The chain reaction of accusations is starting to grate on his nerves.

"You've been spacing out more often, I've heard. Sometimes in the middle of meetings." Takeuchi's voice is low. "Quite unbecoming of someone on the representative team, don't you think?"

Ren's mouth is dry and swallowing feels like a dozen nails scraping against his throat.

"You've been short with some of the people you work with ― people who have seniority over you, mind you, and, well I think that's a bit disrespectful." Ren breaks eye contact and this gives Takeuchi an incentive to continue. "You weren't even aware you were doing it, I see."

Ren takes a breath. _Fuck._ "My apologies. I'll… be more aware of my conduct."

Takeuchi moves in his seat again and with it, the squeaking of his chair. Bad news comes spewing out of Takeuchi's mouth with each screech and Ren hopes that's the end of it.

Takeuchi slides a drawer open and runs his fingers down a long row of what Ren thinks are business cards. "You said you had a lot on your plate, so how can we help? Legal issues… I forget if you're married, maybe custody issues…?" Takeuchi glances at him up and down. "Drinking problem?"

Ren's brain dials back to last month, of the heated body beneath him, breaths mingling, hungry kisses in the dark, a moment of drunken bliss resulting in regret and a constant feeling of dread that hangs around his neck like a noose. The lines between what occupies his mind blur, but Goro is always at the center of it all.

"It's personal, sir."

Takeuchi breathes in and holds a hand up in surrender. "All right, I won't pry." He picks a card and hands it to Ren. "If you ever need someone to talk to, mental health counsellors are available to you."

Ren reads the information on the card and deems it pointless. After Maruki, he just doesn't trust anyone to get in his head. "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind."

"Good," Takeuchi nods as he slides the drawer close. "That'd be all then." Ren turns to leave but Takeuchi calls to him again as soon as he opens the door. "You should come to the company mixers again. It might take your mind off things."

* * *

The pencil in Ren's hand goes flying as one of the ends slips while spinning it between his fingers, clattering to the floor and rolling just underneath the stove. He clicks his tongue and goes to retrieve it, grimacing when he finds that the impact caused the tip to break off. He sighs, taking this as a sign to take a break. He glances at the report in his hand, pages now marred with circled percentages, crossed out lines, underlined names, and little notes on the margins. Ren wonders if his charisma didn't translate to paper this time around and that's the problem Takeuchi latched onto. Ren can't help but laugh at the prospects that the company seemed like rancid garbage because of Ren's sudden poor writing.

Ren leaves the papers on the counter and checks on the meat he's boiling to tenderize. He lifts the lid to poke it with a fork and decides to leave it for a few more minutes. His plan for the night consisted of preparing a really nice dinner for himself, workout while it simmers, have a quick shower, and relax with his food and a movie. He hasn't had a normal Friday night for a while since he's usually still at work finishing up for the week, so he was embarrassingly excited for himself. The impromptu meeting with Takeuchi earlier left him drained however, and he decided to scrap his entire evening for a pot of curry and an early bedtime.

Ren saunters to the living room and plops down on the couch. It's dim with only half the lights on, quiet with only the sound of distant traffic filtering in from the streets below and the somber ticking of the clock on the wall. He stares dazedly at the black screen of the TV, the cogs in his head finally coming to a stop as he begins to unwind and forget the day. He can't remember the last time he just sat and simply _existed_ like this. He generally likes to keep busy since it tucks away the ever-encroaching negativity and loneliness that have only gotten more suffocating over time.

But now that he's idle, the disquiet inside him makes noise. It slips between the spaces and cartilage in a puff of vapor, travelling up his spine to wrap around his brain like smog. It shuts the world out and aggravates the worries rattling uncontrollably inside his head like billiard balls. Whenever he grabs for them in an attempt to pacify the chaos, it's always the same ball, the same worry, the most predominant thought he catches―

_Does Goro remember?_

Ren closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, running a hand over his eyes and pressing down until all of the clutter in his head disperses and his inner brooding ceases. He relishes the temporary relief, reclining to rest his neck on the flat top of the backrest and moving his hand to sit on his forehead.

He's stressed. He hates to admit it, but he is. Taking into account his thieving escapades and what he's endured in life, Ren thinks this is the very first time he's felt defeated, where he's at the mercy of fate and no amount of rebelling will make a difference. He's lost a lot of sleep over it and he can't concentrate on work like he used to.

If Morgana was here, this would've broken his hesitation on talking to Ren about Goro. Morgana has been trying to broach the subject but the wound was still too fresh the following year when Ren was finishing his final year of high school in his hometown, and then too late by the time Ren's settled back in Tokyo and receiving his post-secondary degree. Ren's glad Morgana isn't around to witness him like this ― Morgana's currently 'on loan' to help Futaba integrate into the workforce and handle the more unpleasant aspects of interacting with her bosses as she goes through her internship. Sojiro invited him to come celebrate Christmas at Leblanc and he honestly can't wait to see them again.

He looks over at the far wall where his oversized wall calendar is pinned. _Friday, the twentieth today._ He still needs to buy presents and the malls are going to be packed tomorrow. He makes a mental note to make a shopping list later.

Vibrations against his leg startle Ren out of his thoughts and he fishes his phone out of his pocket to check it.

∼∼∼  
 **Goro  
** Today, 〇〇〇〇 PM

Are you still up for dinner tomorrow with Yu and me?

sorry goro, about that  
something came up and i can't make it  
work shit

That's all right.  
We'll try again some other time.

∼∼∼

_At least, it's true this time._

This is Goro's third attempt at arranging dinner plans for all three of them, and this is the third time Ren's turned Goro down. This time, however, Ren initially accepted but with the intention of cancelling closer to the date. He didn't want to rouse Goro's suspicions and seem like he's actively avoiding them, so he changed it up. There will definitely be hell to pay if Goro finds out he's been lying, but Ren honestly doesn't know if he'd be able to keep any food down with the happy couple right in front of him, let alone keep bitter remarks to himself every time Yu opened his mouth.

He types up another apology and that he'll make it up to them, but before he closes the messaging app, the photo he set as Goro's contact picture catches his eye. He taps on it and it enlarges to fill the screen ― it's the candid shot he took of Goro tucking his hair behind his ear, mouth open as he's about to bite into a crepe.

Ren smiles at the memory. This was taken last week, two days after Goro got back from his conference. Ren was at work and about to have lunch when he got a text from Goro demanding to meet up or consequences would be had. What that did to his heart, Ren can't even begin to say ― not a single good reason popped into his head, each one revolving around Goro finally remembering the kiss and personally delivering Ren's comeuppance. Needless to say, he was a jittery wreck so when Goro led him to a crepe stand and ordered for them both as soon as they met, Ren was like a rabbit caught in the headlights. He stared at the sweet crepe in his hand for so long, Goro had to ask if it wasn't to his liking. Ren stuttered and fumbled his words, barely able to ask what all this was for in his confusion.

_"How eloquent. Did you lose your brain on the way here? I'm buying you lunch. It's your birthday, isn't it?"_

Goro said that a Hokkaido-based confectionary brand owns the crepe stand and it's only in the city for a week. He wanted to try it out and asked Ren to come along since he thought it'd be something Ren would enjoy.

In an instant, Ren's previously held notion that Goro didn't care for their bond dissolved. It put him in a state of euphoric daze that Goro had to remind him he had less than twenty minutes to finish eating and take the train back. Ren started wolfing down his crepe then.

_"Did you really forget it was your birthday?"_

He didn't ― the early morning texts and video calls from his friends made sure of that. His bleak expectations largely not aligning with Goro's actual intentions was the issue.

_"This isn't much. I hope you liked it."_

Ren laughed at that. This was the best birthday he'd had in a long time. The entire time they were together, Ren's eyes were watering and his cheeks were burning, flushed and pushed to near tears from happiness.

Ren sweeps his eyes fondly over the picture again. Goro's unguarded expression is a gem. Ren called out Goro's name to catch his attention just as he was about to take a bite, then took the photo as soon as Goro looked up. Goro wasn't impressed and thumped him on his side in retaliation. It was worth it, though he really should switch it out for something less suggestive as Goro's contact picture. He has a small collection of mostly candid photos of Goro by himself and proper ones of them together to choose from, anyway.

Ren used to be pretty indifferent to taking pictures. His sudden interest in immortalizing his time with Goro was triggered by a nightmare he had once many years ago ― in it, he couldn't remember what Goro looked like and he woke up in a cold sweat, repeating Goro's name over and over while desperately envisioning him in his head until he calmed down. He snaps pictures of them when he can now. It's another one of the many behaviors his regrets manifested.

He didn't mean to take such an unintentionally sexual photo of Goro ― it really inherently isn't since to anyone else, it'd just be a photo of a man eating dessert. Ren sighs. _Thou shall not covet someone else's wife, was it?_ He's sure racking up a lot of points in hell.

He studies Goro's photo. Goro's expression is perfect here, unguarded and curious, but his signature critical stare is not lost, all coming together into a molten look that licks at the fire in his core and makes Ren's mouth water. Strands of hair, chestnut in hue from the shade, frame his face on either side, some having slipped from the fingers tucking them behind his ear. The lighting accentuates Goro's creamy skin and gives great contrast to the hypnotizing deep red of his irises. His small mouth is agape, lips full and supple ― Ren swallows ― lips he's tasted, lips he's had on his own, lips he's felt the softness of. He once read somewhere that a person's upper lip has the same color as their nipples and upon remembering that, he feels like he's been let in on Goro's biggest secret.

Ren's breath hitches and he shudders as he exhales. Goro is beautiful. Perfect. He's always been stunning, bewitching, and Ren's been helpless since he first laid eyes on Goro. He wonders if it's even humanly possible not to fall for a face like that.

He can feel his erection stirring. He palms his hardening cock through his sweats, rough hand slowly teasing and rubbing. He focuses on Goro's parted mouth and wonders if Goro can get him all in. Will he gag or expertly use his throat and swallow around the head as he glides his long shaft in and out?

Goro probably has it down to an art, considering how tenacious and stubborn he can be. He'd definitely want to impress his fiancé with what he can do with his pretty little mouth, feel all smug when his fiancé comes undone as he teases the slit, topping it off with a long drag of his tongue on the underside of the shaft and a kiss at the tip.

_Yu. Yu. Lucky Yu._

Faceless man. Mister Unknown. Fiancé of the decade.

Whoever Yu is, he better know how lucky he is.

He sighs disappointingly and pouts at the feel of his flagging dick. As always, the phantom-like Yu is instantly on him, haunting his mind and killing his boner when Ren gets too close. It's his subconscious summoning his deeply rooted guilt ― frankly, he doesn't know how to feel about his guilt taking the thoughtform of Goro's fiancé ― to save him from the hole in his chest that grows wider after each orgasm. It seems smart to thwart him from indulging in more fantasies, but self-preservation has never been a priority of his.

Ren slips his hand beneath the waistband of his sweats and takes hold of his cock, teasing himself again while he concentrates on Goro's photo. He focuses on Goro's open mouth, imagining it'd be sloppy wet and deliciously warm as Goro slowly takes him in. Goro would be on his knees between Ren's spread legs, hands cascading up his thighs until he can grasp the hem of Ren's shirt, pushing it up Ren's chest while feeling every ridge of muscle contract beneath his palm as he greedily sucks Ren's cock. Ren likes to think he'd be too long for Goro to completely take in, so Goro, unsatisfied with his inability to do so, would make up for the remaining length with his other hand.

Ren sighs as Goro bobs up and down his shaft, hand spreading his spit down to the base and twisting. Ren's fingers slide into Goro's hair and Goro immediately flashes him a dangerous look. Ren feels teeth all of a sudden and his pelvis and thighs tense up in anticipation. Goro softly grazes and drags his teeth along the sensitive flesh of Ren's shaft all the way up to the head, Goro threatening to bite with the gentlest squeeze before popping off and licking up a stripe where a prominent vein throbs.

"Fuck… Goro…" The quick shift from menacing teeth to a soothing tongue on his dick makes his skin thrum with intense desire and would've been enough to make him come if it wasn't for Goro squeezing him at the base. Goro dives nose first into the hairiness of Ren's groin, languidly gliding his tongue up another vein, before taking the entire length in his mouth all the way to the hilt and swallowing around the head. Unable to control himself, Ren bucks his hips into the tightness of Goro's throat, but Goro pulls away just in time.

Ren groans in disappointment and Goro chuckles at his dismayed expression. Goro rises from his spot on the floor to straddle Ren, placing bare legs on either side of him, and Ren immediately grabs for Goro's creamy thighs, revelling in how toned they are, before travelling further behind and gripping either cheek in his hand to spread Goro wide. Goro clicks his tongue at him for being so needy and impatient, chiding Ren for rutting his cock against the cleft of his ass. Bracing himself with one hand against the back of the couch, Goro reaches behind him to take Ren's cock in his other hand and properly aim it at his already loosened hole. They both groan as Ren pushes Goro down onto his rigid cock, hissing from being overly sensitive, hips snapping up and making Goro yelp as the head pops into his rim―

There's suddenly loud clattering and Ren flings his eyes open in surprise. He jolts up and looks toward the kitchen where the noise is coming from. From where he's sat, he can see an angry rush of steam rising from the pot on the stove and the lid violently shaking from the pressure trying to escape underneath.

"Shit!" He takes his hand out of his pants and in his hurry to get to the kitchen, flings his phone up in the air. "Shitshitshit," Ren mutters under his breath, narrowly avoiding banging his shin against the coffee table. He keeps his dirty hand clasped onto his shirt to avoid inadvertently handling anything with it. Grabbing a dish cloth to avoid burning himself, he carefully pushes the pot out of the heat, and turns the stove off. "Goddamn it," he curses, rubbing the side of his head using the back of his hand. He lifts the lid and sets it aside along with the dish cloth. He pokes at the meat with a fork and just as expected, it's as hard as a rock.

He drains the water and discards the meat after he washes his hands. He's not wearing any underwear, so his softening cock dangles awkwardly against his leg as he walks around the kitchen trying to sort himself out and the disaster that is his evening. He stands defeated and hungry in front of his pantry, reaching just beyond a stack of sardine cans for the small selection of cup ramen he has stashed at the back for emergencies. He takes one and tiredly looks at the ingredients without reading them, recounting how his night has gone from bad to absolutely unsalvageable.

Ren hangs his head and sighs. There's a hot shower and a warm bed in his immediate future if nothing else.

* * *

By the time Ren's whittled down the list of people he wants to buy gifts for, his phone tells him it's almost half-past six in the evening. With a handful of bags, he walks the snow-covered streets of Ginza, enjoying the way his boots crunch in the snow. In all his years in Tokyo, the only time he takes the train to the most expensive district in the city is for gifts, which mostly means Christmas and birthdays. Roaming the area always feels like he's stumbled into a whole other dimension with how upscale and luxurious the architecture is. The streets look even more grand at night during year-end because of the festive decorations and eye-catching illumination displays.

As expected, the shops are brimming with last-minute shoppers even at this hour. Ren always takes too much time when he shops, a trait exacerbated by Ann over the years. Her good sense for gift-giving and great eye for style and quality has rubbed off on him that now, he overthinks every little detail.

Ren stands with the crowd at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to turn green. Getting around would've been easier and faster if he took full advantage of the pedestrian paradise hours, but he made time for himself during the day instead to make up for last night's setbacks. He started his day by getting on his gym system for a workout and disinfecting everything when he was done. He then had a quick shower and ate, so by noon, he was at his desk with his work laptop, editing in the corrections he made last night. He left for Ginza at around four in the afternoon to beat the evening rush hour and two hours later, Goro is the only one left on his list.

The light turns green and he starts walking with everybody else. Goro being last on his list doesn't mean Ren can't think of what to give him ― the problem is Ren has _too many_ things he wants to give him. His considerations range from a personalized fountain pen to a glass chess set, from a big wool scarf to a new pair of leather gloves. He's capable of buying each one on the list, but that'd be too overwhelming for Goro, moreover suspicious.

Truthfully, he's trying to find a balance between conveying too much and saying nothing at all with his gift. Goro left one of his gloves with Ren, a piece of him Ren will forever hold on to, and Ren similarly wants Goro to have something to remember Ren by. Even after Goro's married and they meet even less than they already do, Ren hopes Goro will remember Ren whenever he wears, uses, or merely sets eyes on his gift. Ren wants to give Goro something timeless, never to be forgotten even with the continuous flow of time.

Ren steps off the sidewalk while he scrolls through his list of gift ideas on his phone, avoiding the other pedestrians as he contemplates his options. He thinks back to when he gave Goro a silver bangle and a roomba. Goro had been ultimately very pleased with them, but Ren could tell he was taken aback by how expensive-looking they were. _That was really forward of me._ He pinches the bridge of his nose, suddenly flustered by the memory.

"Good evening, sir."

There's a delay before Ren registers that he's the one being addressed. He looks up from his phone to a man in a suit standing just outside the shop's doors. "Hello―Oh," Ren steps back, "I'm sorry, was I blocking the entrance?"

"No, no," the man says, shaking his head and easing Ren with a raised hand. "I came out to invite you in. I thought a young man such as yourself might be interested in having a look around the shop."

Through the shop windows, Ren sees a variety of jewelry shimmering under the lights. Diamonds of different shapes and sizes decorate the display cabinets, and every time he tilts his head, the glint of them nearly blinds him. He can already feel a hole in his wallet forming from merely looking at the selection from afar. _Is he the chief jeweler?_ "That's, um… I'm not really into…"

"What about a loved one?" The man speaks slowly, his tone sophisticated and refined. "Is there a lucky lady in your life you want to surprise this Christmas?"

Ren opens his mouth to excuse himself again but the man hurriedly cuts him off.

"The holiday season is a very popular time to propose. Or if you're not planning on it soon, you can still find the right ring for her now and never worry about it again." The man clasps his hands in front of him for emphasis, now leaning forward slightly in his endeavor to lure Ren in.

It shouldn't have given him pause. Ren should've stuck with his gift list and expressed his disinterest in the man's offers.

_Propose…_

Ren looks behind the man, the array of jewelry twinkling as if to mesmerize him. All he can think about now is Goro's engagement ring ― Did Yu need help choosing a ring or did he know exactly what would suit Goro? The silver band always adorns Goro's right ring finger, thin and modest, noteworthy for the absence of gaudy diamonds or flashy gold linings. It's only visible when Goro has his gloves off, and its simplicity is what piques the interest of whoever gets a glimpse of it. The ring _adds_ to the normally elegant way Goro carries himself, rather than take center attention as engagement rings often do with their big rocks.

 _Yu picked well._ "What kind of engagement rings do you have?" Ren asks and he can already feel his subconscious nipping at his brain to figure out what the hell he's doing.

"Any ring can be an engagement ring, sir. All you need is to know what your lady likes." He opens the door for Ren. "Please, allow us to help you."

 _I'm just gonna look around._ He feels like he's conned the man somehow, making him believe he's made a sale. Ren apologizes to him in his head and steps into the warmth of the shop.

He's greeted by two other jewelers behind the counter, a woman helping another man and an older man taking the ring sizes of a couple. The man with Ren, named 'Inoue' according to his nametag, leads him to a counter housing rings of varying styles and colors, and Ren marvels at how even the smallest gems shine brilliantly.

"Before anything else, let me ask if the lucky lady you're buying for has a favorite stone? Of course, diamonds are the safest options for their universal symbolism and durability, excellent for everyday wear." Inoue then points to a set of rings cushioned inside a red case. "But most people forget birthstones offer a more personal touch. If you or your lady don't put much weight on tradition, these precious stones might mean more to her."

Ren thinks that's a lot more information than he's actually willing to absorb and he scratches his head in confusion. _First things first._ Ren clears his throat. "She's, uh, actually a 'he'…"

Inoue visibly recoils at the realization of his error. "I'm―I'm terribly sorry! Please excuse my rude assumptions, I didn't…" Ren assures him there was no offense taken. "We very rarely have customers buying for the same sex… Please accept my humble apologies. I will ensure the ring you buy will make him fall in love with you all over again," Inoue swears with a deep bow.

Ren laughs humorlessly. _I wish._ He's had enough of hearing about his nonexistent lover and tries to move things along. "I don't think he cares much for diamonds or stones in particular." Ren looks at the glass cabinet behind Inoue containing rings that are more on the plain and simple side. He points to a rectangular black box with three rings in it and Inoue unlocks the cabinet to present it to Ren more closely.

"Ah, he's more of a subtle gentleman then," Inoue says, delighted. The three rings in front of him, he explains, boast wider bands for engraving. All three rings have the same design ― two toned, a golden central inlay, and bevelled edges. He points to the rightmost ring. "Platinum is the heaviest and most durable," then points to the other two, "as opposed to yellow gold and rose gold."

Ren points to the silver-like ring. "That's not silver?"

"Not this one. Silver jewelry does exist but is rarely pure because of how soft a metal it naturally is."

Ren hums. "A… A friend of mine has a silver… well, _silver-ish_ " ― Inoue nods amusedly at Ren's correction ― "engagement ring and wears it on their non-dominant hand to avoid damaging it."

"Without looking at it, I wouldn't be able to tell you what it is exactly. But if I were to hazard a guess, it'd be made out of platinum since your friend is very protective of it. Platinum is prone to scratches." Inoue holds up a finger. "Some people prefer that, though, especially on wedding rings. How scratched up it is is a symbol of long-standing love."

Ren knows next to nothing about metals or gems. Who would've thought a lesson in metallurgy would pack a fucking punch? _A symbol of long-standing love, huh._ A ring that passively records how long Yu and him have been together. If Goro knew that, he wonders if he'd call Yu out on his brainless sentimentality too.

It's a good color and complements Goro's fair skin, proven by his actual engagement ring during the few times Ren's had the misfortune of seeing it. But Yu's already taken that ― that's their color, their symbol, their metal. Ren wants something that represents him and Goro alone, a tangible ring for their hypothetical engagement for their make-believe love.

"Do you have anything in black?"

"A black engagement ring?"

Ren fiddles with a curl between his fingers shyly. An unconventional color would warrant surprise. "Is that too weird?"

"No, no! It's been quite the fad for the past few years." Inoue pulls out a laminated sheet from under the top shelf. There are two rings printed on it, both are plain black but one of them has small diamonds embedded on the edges. "The rings are out back, but these are what we carry. Elysium rings, made from diamond crystals and therefore, very durable and scratch-proof. You can have a high polish finish to it or matte."

Ren looks at the price tags and feels the air get knocked out of his lungs. It'd definitely put a dent on his savings ― money from Mementos he's been steadily adding to ― something neither he nor Goro would ever agree to. Goro would beat him half to death and demand he return the ring, which is fair. The 'three months salary' rule is definitely from a different era, different economy, and entirely bullshit.

"We have tungsten versions of these, which are more affordable," Inoue says, sensing Ren's hesitation, "but overall, black rings are not for everyone since there are a few more things to consider compared to the more traditional metals ― black rings are heavier, not resizable, and their timelessness is questionable at best." Inoue taps the sheet. "In an emergency, you can't get these off your finger with a ring cutter. You have to _shatter_ them and they are irreparable."

Ren reels from the sheer amount of information he has absolutely no use for. The pressure Inoue was putting on was getting to be oppressive and he said the first thing in mind that he was sure would make Inoue back off. "Could you bring out the… the ones with the diamonds on the edge? Um, both types." He blurts out. Inoue seems pleased and leaves for the back room shortly.

Transferring his shopping bags from his numb hand to the other, Ren heaves a sigh and walks over to the doors. The streets were clearer earlier, but now all he sees is a flurry of white due to heavy snowfall. There are umbrellas raised now and some people are scrambling for shelter. Ren laments the time he could've spent looking for an actual present for Goro instead of playing pretend at this shop. He probably would've been home by now, if not on his way already. _I should leave. This is stupid._ He mentally apologizes to Inoue for wasting his time and pushes the doors open―

A familiar head of brown hair exits the building right across from where Ren is and makes Ren stop dead in his tracks. The man, wearing a red coat and bundled in a plaid scarf, holds a gloved palm up and watches as his hand gets immediately covered in white. He then dusts off the snow that's fallen on his hand against his thigh and looks towards the right side of the road.

_Goro…!_

Ren's heart skips a beat and he has to restrain himself from bolting out the door and run to where Goro is. Momentum builds beneath the balls of his feet, legs tensing to propel his entire body forwards, and it's only the fact that he told Goro he'd be busy with work tonight that he stays rooted in place. Ren steps back and allows the door to shut, stepping to the side so he remains hidden, when a second person, followed by a young girl with long hair, emerges from behind Goro and laces their hands together.

The warning sirens in his head go off but he can't tear his eyes away from what's playing in front of him, transfixed by his curiosity and morbid fascination with what hurts him. The man holding Goro's hand has silver hair, wearing a white coat, a checkered scarf, and black gloves. There's a gentle smile on his face as he talks to Goro. The girl, dressed warmly in her pink puffy coat, mittens, and earmuffs, who looks to be no more than fifteen, takes Goro's other hand and tugs excitedly. Goro smiles at her before the man beside him says something else and as Goro looks to him, kisses Goro on the lips.

Suddenly, there's a deafening silence inside Ren's head. Time stops for him but the world around him roars on with life. Ren watches as Goro pouts at the silver-haired man and gently shoves at him with his shoulder in retaliation. The girl laughs and so does―

And so does…

_Yu._

Faceless man. Mister Unknown. Fiancé of the decade.

They look like a happy young family―

Ren can't breathe. There's a scorching pain behind his chest and it burns his very soul. He tries to swallow down the flames but his throat is dry and the red-hot burning only crawls up his neck faster, reaching his eyes that threaten to spill tears. An unforgiving despair caves around him and his vision starts to go dark. He can't feel his body, numb from his head down to his fingertips, and he grits his teeth and digs his fingernails into his palms in an effort to feel that _he's still here_. He wonders if this is what dying feels like, an anguish that creeps slowly until all that's left is to beg for mercy, for the end to come swiftly.

He doesn't wait for the inevitable to come for him. Gripping the bags tight, he desperately pushes at the door as if his life depended on it.

Ren runs. He runs and runs, faster than his legs can carry him to throw his love, his pain, and his demons to the wind and off his trail. The chill of the wind cuts against his skin and the falling snow cling to his coat and hair, as he dodges swerving cars and hides his face from concerned bystanders yelling out their concerns for his safety. He nearly slips on ice and almost cracks his skull open on the roadside, but he keeps going. Wherever he ends up tonight, he hopes whatever he leaves behind never finds him.

He runs mindlessly into the night, vowing to never stop until his lungs rupture and his body turns to dust.

* * *

The soft music playing at Crossroads does nothing to soothe Ren, his negative emotions in full swing and hammering away at his heart. Several other patrons have tried chatting him up, but he either ignored them and they left, or he ignored them and they kept chatting until they were satisfied and left. He sits at the furthest booth of the bar, nursing a bottle of alcohol. He hates the taste and he's already pretty much blasted since he's drinking on an empty stomach. He's face down on the counter, forehead cushioned by his forearm, and he blindly grabs for his glass but knocks it over instead and it shatters on the ground.

He startles into a sitting position, hands up as if he's being arrested and nearly falls out of his stool. There are others in the bar, and he can see that all eyes are now on him and the mess he made. His senses are dulled by the booze, but he regards the shards of glass littering the floor and feels compelled to clean it up. He can almost make out his reflection in them.

Just as he's stooping to pick up the pieces, a hand shoots out and pushes him back.

"Let me clean it up, kiddo," Lala scolds him. "You'll cut yourself the way you are and I don't want to worry about you any more than I already am."

Ren slouches back onto his stool without looking at her. "Sorry, Mama," he says quietly. "I'll pay for it."

Lala goes to the back and re-emerges with a broom and dustpan, quickly sweeping up the accident before some poor souse faceplants into it. "I'm just glad it was empty and I don't need to lug a sopping mop in here." She disappears again shortly after to dispose of the heap.

Ren can't even remember how he ended up at Crossroads. He must've hopped on the train at some point, but he vaguely remembers collapsing dazedly on a bench somewhere beforehand, trying to catch his breath, shivering and wallowing in his misery. His glassy eyes and muteness told Lala something was wrong, but the bar was bustling at the time and she couldn't give him her full attention. She asked if he'd be fine by himself for a while, to which he nodded. That was perfect, actually. He didn't think he could handle any sympathy without falling apart.

He helped himself to the bottle rack, discreetly choosing a black-capped bottle from the middle shelf. Perks to having worked in Crossroads before is being privy to Lala's sorting and storage methods of alcohol, so he knows just where to look if he's being picky. Ren rang up his bottle and settled far away from the rest of the customers.

Lala comes to view in his periphery and he flinches, afraid to talk about what gnaws away at his soul. He could say nothing and she'll leave him alone, but that wouldn't be right. He's taking refuge in her haven after all and isn't the common purpose of coming to a bar to seek the ear of anyone with the time to listen?

"My, my, have the years gone by," Lala starts, "you used to turn up every weekend and I'd doll you up for work. Now I'd be lucky if I see you every other month!"

Ren looks up. Lala's face is the first face he's seen properly since fleeing Ginza. Lala regards him with kindness and sternness, an expression only a mother could make.

"I can't believe you waited until you've run yourself ragged before coming to visit again," Lala huffs, as she returns behind the counter to stand in front of Ren. "I'm not just a shoulder to cry on, you know. I like seeing you doing well."

Ren smiles sadly and lowers his head. "Sorry, Mama. I'll come by more often." Maybe he needs to from tonight on, in light of the circumstances.

A man on the other side of the bar asks for another drink and Lala excuses herself momentarily to attend to him. Ren knows the questions will come as soon as she returns and he briefly entertains the idea of giving her half-truths to not seem _completely_ pathetic. He still doesn't have a glass to drink from, so he takes a giant swig from his bottle and almost empties it, the tangy taste burning all the way down to the pit of his gut.

"All right, out with it." Lala's voice is soft as she shuffles back to where she initially stood. "I know a broken heart when I see one."

Ren's not sure he's ready and he schools his lips into a tight line. Nevertheless, he opens his mouth a few times, but his windpipe constricts and he's left looking like a fish out of water gasping for breath.

"You've stewed on it long enough, sweetheart. So, come on."

Ren takes a deep breath and as soon as he exhales, some of the tension in his body leaves as well. His shoulders droop and his downcast eyes find a chip on the counter. If he focuses on it, maybe it'll keep him steady enough to get through his story.

"I…" Ren starts, voice raspy. He swallows. "I like someone."

Lala scrunches her eyebrows at his blatant dishonesty. "You're in a very extreme state for this to be just a wee crush. Don't mince words with me now, boy."

Ren sighs. He leans forward, resting his elbows on the counter as he hides his face in his hands, digging the base of his palms into the sockets of his eyes until the pressure is too much. He doesn't really care about looking pathetic, or feeling embarrassed and guilty over the stupid shit he's done ― it's more of the unearthing of what he's been trying to bury he's worried about, that once he lets it loose, he won't be able to stop. He fears he might bring with it all his anger, hate, and sorrow.

He grits his teeth until they tingle at the roots. "I love―I love someone and I'm… I'm trying to― _been trying_ to be okay with the… with the fact that―" Ren expels a shuddering breath, "… that he's engaged." His voice breaks at the last word and it feels like he's breathing with a collapsed lung as he tries to force the words out of his mouth.

In all the years he's known Lala, she's quick to read what her patrons need from her, whether it be comfort, advice, or just a listening ear. Right now, she knows he needs silence and acceptance, not coddling, so she lets him talk.

"I've never met his fiancé. He sounds wonderful though, based on the… little stories I hate hearing." He takes steadying breaths through his nose. "I kind of met him today… from across the street. They didn't see me. But they kissed and I… I couldn't take it."

Ren's heart feels like lead and he continues to breathe against the heaviness.

"I wish I could be a good friend, at least… be happy for him. But all I am is… this." Ren shrugs and slides his hands through his hair. It's damp and cold from the falling snow earlier. His voice is barely above a mumble when he speaks again. "He told me once that he felt a connection between us, that I give him a lot to think about. Honestly, I ignored it at first because who even says that? But the more we spent time together, the more I got to know him―when I realized we were _the same_ , that _every shitty thing_ that happened to us was―"

Ren stops himself. Lala wouldn't understand anything beyond the natural order of things. Explaining the Metaverse and Yaldabaoth are things he just can't delve into easily.

"He was different. He saw _me_ and I saw the real him… I didn't ever want to let him go. Everything was against us, but he was right―we had a connection and that brought us closer… it overpowered whatever was trying to tear us apart."

He hears the rustle of Lala's kimono and then a glass of water is slid near him. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he might've reciprocated if he was dropping lines like that. Unless, you think that was just to lead you on?" Lala hums. "You know, I can call a few of my contacts in to get that boy of yours begging for your forgiveness for doing you dirty like that."

Ren's head shoots up. "No! No, it wasn't―I'm sure that part was genuine. Our relationship… our friendship was genuine." He sags in his seat again.

"That tells me he wasn't genuine in other parts."

 _Depends on who you ask._ The phrases 'attempted murder' and 'assassin for hire' flash in his mind. He gives Lala a flat smile and glances away in response.

"You can't tell me. That's okay. But you trust him and he trusts you?" When Ren nods, she shrugs with a little smile of her own. "That's good enough for me. I swear, you and the trouble you get up to." Lala sighs and shakes her head.

He must be starting to sound insane and fantastical to her, but Lala's never one to pry. She understands the need to be tight-lipped more than anyone, if the tattooed men who Ren saw from time to time while he polished glasses were any indication ― her contacts, so to speak, who'd do anything she asks of them.

The words spilling from his mouth roll like distant thunder at the back of his head and what echoes back is a eulogy of his and Goro's year together, which is honestly fitting. "I lost him twice… but he came back to me each time―and I…" His voice breaks, his throat closing up from the emotions welling up inside him. "I thought that made him mine… That whatever happens―" Ren doesn't finish the thought and merely shakes his head.

The words hang in the air for a good while that he'd started to get self-conscious over his usage of the word 'mine'. Goro has never been his, that much is true now more than ever. Ren doesn't like the idea of 'possessing' Goro, not after Goro's fought so hard for his freedom. He doesn't like to think that Maruki's deal was more about chaining Goro to him, unable to leave his side, than it was about rewriting his supposed demise.

He wants Goro to be free but what does that mean for him?

_Selfish. That should have nothing to do with me._

"Did he know?" Ren looks up at her questioningly. "Did the chance to tell him ever come up?"

 _More often than I deserved._ "I did all the wrong things, Mama. By the time I wanted to tell him… when I realized I wanted something more ― that I wanted to be with him… it was too late. He disappeared for eight years."

When Goro turned himself in on Christmas Eve eight years ago, it wasn't ideal, but it gave Ren hope. Only then did the gravity of losing Goro behind the bulkhead door hit him, that Goro meant a lot more to him than he initially thought, and he swore to himself he would do right by Goro this time. Morgana always tells him how lucky he is, but this was the first time Ren believed it to be actually true ― who even gets a second chance like that, his love defying death and delivered directly to him?

Ren remembers the exact moment he decided he would confess. It was some time before Maruki's deadline and the team was getting ready to infiltrate the palace, and as usual, Goro was sitting at the furthest booth away from everybody else. Ren made him his favorite blend and all that was said between them was a curt 'thank you'. Goro was distant during all of January, moreso when the others were around, but when Ren invited him to Jazz Jin or Penguin Sniper ― which was every night ― they conversed normally.

The group was waiting for the coffee to finish brewing to pack for their trip and from where Ren's sat, Goro's yellow coat in his periphery caught his attention.

Goro looked bored as he read the titles of the books lined up on the counter beside him. Ren wanted nothing more at that moment than to go slide into Goro's booth and talk about things they usually talk about, topics that set Ren's heart on fire. Perhaps feeling eyes on him as he was about to take a sip of his coffee, Goro looked up and their eyes met. Ren's heart pounded behind his ribcage and suddenly, it was just him and Goro, and reality righted itself on its own.

_I want to tell him_

_I'll tell him when this is all over_

Goro's stare bore into his wide hopeful ones and Ren wished he could telepathically transmit his feelings, or that Goro could read his mind right then and there.

_When this is all over―I'll tell him_

Ryuji yanked him by the neck with an arm and excitedly showed him the manga he was reading. He tried to follow along but he discreetly glanced back at Goro, who had already moved on to scrolling down his phone.

Ren was excited. He had something to look forward to now. Of course, Goro might turn him down, but maybe if they worked out the mess between them and untangled all the knots, it'd all be okay. Ren had never been more sure of anything, had never wanted anything more than everything Goro was―

_When this is all over…_

_I'll tell him._

"Mama."

"Hm? What is it?"

Ren comes back to the present and finds himself wringing his hands on the counter, knuckles white and fingertips numb.

"How do you stop loving someone?" He takes a sharp intake of breath and his shoulders tremble. "… How do I stop loving him?" His voice quivers and he fights the stinging in his eyes.

"Oh, honey…" Lala's big warm hands cover his own and somehow that staves off the worst of the pain. He has burst at the seams and what spills out is a raw and terrible ache. He's glad Lala's here. He knows she won't put him back together, she knows she can't and that's not what he needs. She's here to put pressure on every gaping wound in his body until he decides he's bled enough for one night and let them all scab over.

"I was thinking of what to give him for Christmas," Ren sniffles. "Maybe I should give him one of those nice decorative daggers so he can cut my heart out―" Lala only grips him tighter and memories of last month fill his head, and the words tumble out of him uncontrollably. "Mama, I kissed him… We were drunk and he doesn't―he―he doesn't remember―Oh god, he can never know because I'll lose him if he does and I―I can't―!"

Lala lets his hands go to round the counter and cradle his head against her. "All right, you're all right, kid. You're okay." She rubs smooth circles down his back and he steadies himself with shuddering breaths through his mouth, focusing on the warmth enveloping him. He feels her hand drift to the side of his head by his temple, then she brushes his bangs aside to lay the back of her hand against his forehead. "I think you have a fever. You're burning up. How long were you out in the snow?"

Lala sounds like she's speaking through cotton all of a sudden. All his sniffling probably blocked his ears. "I feel fine―"

"Don't start that with me! Warm hands and a flushed face? Silly me for thinking you just had too much to drink!" She pats him on the shoulder. "Let's get you home and resting. Give me your phone."

Ren sits up crookedly and feels down his pocket. He hands his phone to Lala and tells her the passcode when she asks for it. His head is suddenly way too heavy for his neck, so he faces the counter again and lays his head down, using his arms as a makeshift pillow.

"Who can I call to come pick you up?"

He mulls over the question. The person who immediately comes to mind, and without a doubt is the safest choice, is Sojiro. He'll have to put up with the scolding, but there's no other way around it. He definitely has to say Sojiro.

"Akechi Goro." His ears instantly heat up from the lie and he hopes Lala doesn't catch on.

"Why does that name sound familiar…?" Lala mumbles. She starts to type but stops midway and levels him with a disapproving stare. "Is this him?" She shows him the screen and it's the photo of Goro and the crepe.

Ren groans. "… I meant to change that."

"Well, you didn't. Now stop fooling around, boy."

"Just see if he's available―"

"Absolutely not! You can't handle this, not right now!" Lala's voice is severe and piercing, halting all other chatter in the bar. "You keep throwing yourself into the fire! What's going to be left of you?"

His eyelids are heavy, having overexerted himself from the shock, the running, the stressing, and now from learning that he's not well. Tonight has shaped up to be one of the worst nights of his life. Can one good thing happen for once? "Please, Mama. He's… I need him." She wants to protect him and he appreciates it. He's glad for the people looking out for him whenever he chooses every bad idea in his book.

Lala closes her eyes and sighs. "Just don't kiss him this time." She presses a button and puts his phone to her ear.

He's tired. He wants to go to sleep. The fog in his head feels nice.

Distantly, he hears Lala's usual cheery voice talking to someone on the other line.

* * *

Through the curtains that divide sleep from reality, Ren dreams of muffled voices that softly speak of fevers and alcohol. Despite the heat behind his eyelids welding them shut, he manages to open his eyes a crack, and a billow of golden purple and red crowd his hazy vision. A cold hand presses against his forehead and he misses it the moment it moves away.

He remembers being nauseous at the slightest movement, his feet dragging against the rough pavement and his struggle to keep up with the two people on either side of him. He's somehow able to leave the uncomfortable stool he'd been perched on and settled onto a softer seat where the air around him is warmer. Red occupies the entirety of his vision once again but with a hint of soft brown this time. Ren remembers the smell of jasmine and how it instantly fills him with pleasantness until he's all but weightless. There's a hand against his cheek and a familiar voice says his name softly, but all is lost in the thick of sleep.

The next time Ren opens his eyes, he's on his back on a plush couch. He's slow to register that he's awake and he maps out his surroundings to discover that he's back in his apartment. He tries to sit up against the insurmountable heap of blankets weighing him down, only for the damp cloth on his forehead to fall on his chest. Above the soft drone of the heater, there's a voice and some clanking coming from the kitchen. He tries to make out the words but it abruptly stops, then there are light footsteps coming towards the living room.

Goro walks in in a black turtleneck, wearing mittens and carrying a steaming bowl of what Ren can only assume to be soup. It's no trick of the light or a play of the shadows, and Ren can only stare in disbelief, mouth agape and breath caught in his chest.

"Perfect. You're awake." Goro gingerly sits on what little space there is left on the couch right beside Ren, careful not to spill the hot liquid. "Can you eat? This should help you get your strength back."

Ren nods and pushes against the heavy blankets practically crushing him. He takes the bowl and sets it on his lap, stirring the contents with the little spoon. "I didn't know you could cook now," he says, voice raspy.

"I've learned a thing or two over the years," Goro huffs indignantly. "Although, Yu was on the phone helping me put this together for you. I've never taken care of a sick person before… He said this should help."

His stomach coils into a tight knot. _Yu again._ Ren should stop hoping he can ever separate them even in concept. He probably can't take more than a few spoonfuls, but he tries. He gets two down and then he's handing the bowl back to Goro. "I'll eat later, I'm… I don't think I can keep anything down."

Goro takes the bowl and places it on the coffee table. As Ren settles under the covers again, Goro studies him as he removes the mittens. Ren can already hear the questions waiting to rush out of Goro's mouth. "You're an idiot."

Ren laughs weakly. "I think you're supposed to care for the sick, not insult them."

"You underestimate me. I'm capable of doing both," Goro gestures to the bowl. "That's the caring part."

"You always have something to say." He can feel Goro's hand on the other side of the blanket, right next to his, and he fights the urge to entwine their hands together. It's far from a kiss, but Lala's earlier warning encompasses holding hands, he thinks. "Thanks for coming."

Goro's eyebrow twitches. Ren can't quite put a finger on it, but he can tell Goro's a little peeved.

"Sorry, I know it's late and you were probably―"

"You cancelled on us so you can go out drinking?"

"What?"

Goro's eyes narrow at him, lips in a tight line. "You said you had work to do. Instead, I get a call that you're dying in a bar somewhere in Shinjuku."

"I wasn't dying, Goro. Don't be dramatic." Ren clicks his tongue and looks away, his ears suddenly aflame from irritation. Nothing ever gets past Goro. Granted, Ren did _partially_ lie and being sick shouldn't excuse him from Goro's wrath ― but god, he _is_ a little ill. Maybe they can talk about this some other time?

He receives no reaction from his little jab and he glances at Goro, who's simply looking at him now, waiting without a word for Ren to elaborate and somehow that seems worse. Ren can take Goro's anger, but Goro using silence to provoke Ren's guilt complex? _Fuck that._ If Goro's going to start shit, he better not half-ass it. The rational side of Ren's brain is trying to dissuade him from acting out, but his bitterness coupled with his fever is frying his judgment and the words are out of his mouth before he can bite his tongue to stop himself.

"You can go. Thanks and sorry for the bother."

Something flickers across Goro's face, briefly shattering his steady expression, but it's gone in a blink of an eye. When Goro looks away, Ren knows he's made a mistake.

"Sure," Goro says coolly.

There's a sinking feeling in Ren's gut. _What the fuck am I doing…?_ Of course, Goro wouldn't put up with his childish antics ― getting dragged out in the middle of the night to take care of Ren's pathetic self and this is the thanks he gets.

"I left these here for you." Goro gestures to the pile of things he hauled right next to the couch, all within easy reach. "I lined this bucket with plastic in case you throw up. I got you some bottled water, energy drinks, painkillers, and a basin of cold water for the rag on your head."

All Ren can do is stare. Can he be any more of an asshole? He feels horrible.

"Extra towels, more blankets if what you have isn't enough," Goro grabs his coat and scarf, the jingling of keys signalling the finality of Goro's impending departure. Not once has Goro looked at him. "Don't fall off trying to reach for them."

Ren is undeniably a terrible person. "Goro, wait―"

"Get well, Ren. Goodnight."

"Goro…! Hold on―" _Please…_

That familiar fear of losing Goro kicks in and he grows cold all over. Just like eight years ago, just like in his dreams, he's powerless to stop the juggernaut that is Goro's will. Ren tries to grab for him and narrowly misses his arm.

_Please!_

In his desperation, Ren launches himself off of the couch to take hold of Goro's leg, to which he's successful, but the momentum of Goro's forward stride sends him toppling to the floor. The force of his fall knocks the air out of his lungs and he hears Goro's previously even steps falter as he's rendered off balance.

"What the―Ren! Are you some kind of moron!?" He hears Goro yell. Soon enough, there are hands around him sitting him upright. Goro kneels in front of him to support him, looking him over and seeking his eyes. "What the fuck are you doing!? I tell you not to fall off and you immediately disregard it!"

It's music to his ears. Goro's voice is music to his ears no matter the emotion behind it. If Ren could help it, he never wants to miss a single note, a single syllable―

Ren lifts shaking hands and fists them into Goro's shoulders, grabbing a handful of his clothes. He leans in until he's resting his forehead on Goro's chest, and all he can breathe is the clean scent of Goro's soap and the fragrant jasmine of his shampoo. He wouldn't mind suffocating right there.

"I didn't mean it… Don't go…"

Goro is a statue, frozen and unmoving. Ren can feel the ghostly hovering of Goro's hands over his back. It's probably not so much as Goro not knowing what to do, as he's appalled by Ren's floundering and lack of composure ― Goro has never seen him like this before.

"Don't leave…" Ren draws impossibly closer, afraid that he would phase through or that Goro would be plucked away from his hold like always. "Stay―Please stay…"

Stiffly and slowly, Goro surrenders to Ren's pull and places his arms around him in an awkward hug. "Ren…" Goro starts to say with overt uncertainty, "what's wrong?"

He burns all over and he thinks his fever may have spiked. Exhausted, Ren starts to drift again, slumping against Goro completely. He becomes all too aware of the body he rests on and as he slips into the realm of unconsciousness, he finds peace and safety in the arms of his beloved whom he wishes would never leave him.

* * *

The fog he rouses from is thick and oppressive, clinging to the recesses of his mind even as he opens his eyes. It takes him a minute to reorient himself. He then realizes he's back lying on the couch facing the bleak ceiling.

"How are you feeling?"

Ren shifts in his position to see Goro sitting where he was before, phone in hand and his head propped up on the other.

"I'm fine… I think? Nothing hurts, at least." He turns a little bit on his side to relieve the pressure on his back and he notices Goro open his mouth to say something, but stops himself short. "What is it?"

Goro averts his eyes and pouts, which surprises Ren. It's the look of surrender and slight embarrassment, and Ren has no idea how to interpret it.

"… I shouldn't have hounded you like that. It was clearly not the time."

Ren blinks, brain stuttering through the static of sleep, but when the cogs start turning, he smiles sheepishly himself. "I was being ungrateful." Ren is thoughtful for a moment and decides to come clean as best as he can. "I did have work to do, though," he explains as he gestures to the laptop and the annotated papers on his desk by the far wall. "I went out to do some Christmas shopping in the afternoon… then I got a little lonely, so I dropped by Crossroads."

 _Truth by omission._ He doesn't want to make a habit out of it. He always wants to be upfront with Goro and he wishes he could.

Goro is looking at the shopping bags Ren had with him.

Ren snorts. "Regretting not looking through them? I haven't bought yours yet."

Goro glares at him. "You think you're in any position to be making jokes?"

Ren shrugs. "Always, especially at your expense."

"I think I liked you better unconscious―"

Goro's phone vibrates, stealing his attention from their wisecracking back-and-forth. Ren takes a deep breath and mentally kicks himself for wanting to ask his next question. "Is that Yu?"

"Yeah… 'Nanako wants cheesecake instead'?" He reads. "The one with the baked-in crust? Or maybe she wants the one that jiggles?" Goro mumbles to himself, adopting his signature thinking pose.

 _The girl with them?_ Goro still tends to think out loud and Ren finds it endearing. "Nanako?" He asks, feigning ignorance.

"Ah, Yu's cousin who came to visit for Christmas," Goro explains as he types his response. "She asked me to buy cake in exchange for allowing me to leave tonight."

Ren sinks into the couch more, the blankets threatening to completely submerge him. "Sorry."

Goro hits send and faces him again. "We were preparing the casserole and marinade for tomorrow's big dinner since she leaves the day after. There's a big festival in her hometown every Christmas and she didn't want to miss it." Goro hums. "You're from the countryside. Have you heard of Inaba? It's where she's from."

Ren racks his mind for the name, but comes up empty. "No, I don't think I have."

Goro nods. "I've always wanted to go. A change of pace might be good. Anyway, I was helping her peel the potatoes. She and Yu are really good cooks." Goro's expression softens. "Nanako actually recognized me from TV and I was worried I'd have to keep up appearances… but she never held me to the Detective Prince standard, which was a relief."

Goro's phone vibrates again and he taps on the notification.

The bitterness and pain has ebbed away and what's left in Ren is a morbid curiosity that threatens to disturb his current peace and send him back into the midst of emotional turmoil. He's in the eye of the hurricane, but he resolves nothing and learns nothing by staying in it.

Ren scoffs at himself inwardly, he's so bad saving himself. It's a miracle he came out of everything he's been through in one piece.

With a steadying breath, Ren braces himself.

"Is he good to you?" Goro looks at him quizzically, not following the trajectory of his question. "Yu. I guess he is, if, you know… you said yes."

Upon understanding the question, Goro's cheeks and ears turn pink. There's a sting in Ren's chest, but he's also very endeared by the sight. "Good grief," Goro tries to hide his face by looking away, "what an absolutely embarrassing question, Ren. Really, a whole other dimension of―Ugh…"

Ren chuckles. "I need to know. It's important to me that you're happy, Goro." _Maybe I can… I can let you go this way._ Ren can't see Goro's face. He's completely turned away from him, but the red dusting his cheeks and ears are all Ren needs. _Let him go. I have to let him go…_ There's only silence for a long time, but Goro eventually responds.

"For the first time… I was thankful to be alive, that I survived everything I did… because of Yu."

Ren grits his teeth.

"I… I _am_ happy. He ― He makes me happy. He's the calm in life I've never known. He's home to me." Goro's voice is quiet, absorbed in what Ren supposes are memories of his relationship with Yu. "I pushed him away so many times, but he… every time, he waited for me. It was confusing and I didn't know―I didn't understand why he was wasting his time on me. I warned him that if he got to know who I am, the real me, the things I did… he wouldn't even want me around."

Ren's eyes widen. "You told him?"

"Nobody stays with me, Ren. No one ever has. He was just quiet after I told him, so I thought that was it and I was stupid to believe he'd be different. But at the same time, I had the gall to hope that he'd keep… loving me despite everything." Goro takes a deep breath and turns towards Ren. "And he did."

As Ren listened on, the tightness in his chest slowly loosened until all that's left is relief. Goro is loved and happy. That should be enough for Ren. _Yu is… home to him._ Before he can think about what he is to Goro, he shakes his head lightly and hopes it never crosses his mind again.

"In hindsight, I guess he was pretty used to such occurrences, considering his own experiences." Goro sighs. "Worrying about it was pointless."

"Wait," Ren makes a face, "he was 'used to it'? What does that mean―He knows about… Personas?"

Goro is visibly surprised, but recovers immediately. "Well," he smirks, "if you're so interested in him, maybe you should actually show up when we invite you out." Goro pinches his cheek.

"Owow!" Goro releases him and he rubs at his tender cheek. "Stop abusing the patient, will you?"

"Only if you make time for us like you did then for your ten girlfriends."

Ren groans. "God, for the last time―"

"I'm joking."

Ren rolls onto his back again, exasperated that Goro won't let him live that down, especially since it's his own misconception. Ren glances at Goro, who's back to typing on his phone, and puts himself in Goro's shoes. Ren's sure Goro would rather be spending time with his fiancé and his cousin rather than babysit a washed-up old friend. Ren's taken up more than enough of his time. He should let Goro go.

"You should go home."

"Are you kicking me out again?" Goro asks with feigned contempt.

"Yes, but in a friendlier way this time. You still need to get that cake." He nudges at Goro's back with his leg under the covers. "There are people waiting for you."

Goro is forced to his feet and rolls his eyes at Ren attempting to occupy the rest of the couch to prevent Goro from sitting back down. "You're making me regret not leaving you sprawled on the floor." He grabs his coat and scarf from the kitchen counter.

"You're taking the train?" Ren asks.

Goro shrugs his coat on. "No, I borrowed Yu's car."

"Oh. Drive safely then. The roads might be bad."

Goro loops his scarf around his neck and regards Ren's bundled form. "Will you survive? I don't want the police at our doorstep tomorrow because you've died and I was the last person seen with you."

Ren chucks a pillow at Goro playfully, which Goro catches and throws right back at him, hitting him squarely in the stomach. "Go, before they worry," Ren laughs. "Text me when you're home, so I know you made it safely."

"Do I look irresponsible to you? Fine." Goro points at him with an accusatory finger. "Don't fall off this time, idiot." Ren shoos him away urgently and Goro shakes his head. "Get well, Ren."

The door clicks shut and Ren immediately tosses the covers over his head.

Ren mentally gives himself a pat on the back. He's proud of himself for letting Goro go back tonight because if he played it up enough, he could've kept Goro all for himself. Goro would bumble his way through taking care of him and might accidentally kill him in the end, but he would be happy nonetheless.

_That was good. I did good._

He tries not to think about anything else as he falls into a deep sleep, and for once, the scratching in his heart has ceased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wish lala was a confidant 😔 also ren likes it with teeth 🤭
> 
> yu cameo tho 🔎👀💕
> 
> Im on [twitter](https://twitter.com/thatumbrellaoni?s=09) 😌 drawing the usual shuake and nursing a new pegobanake au


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's trying, he really is this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the third time the triangle name has changed lmao but the **actual proper way** to write the ship in jp is pegobanake ぺご番明 (to distinguish the p5 and p4 protags)
> 
> flow and I researched this way back too. triangles or polygon ships are normally written separately anyway, like shuake + banake (主明+番明)
> 
> the importance of semantics, lads.
> 
> back to the fic! this is basically whats playing as soon as the fic starts: "[I wanna get better](https://youtu.be/8twpQTna_9w)" by the bleachers
> 
> main theme for this chapter: "[with or without you / love will tear us apart](https://youtu.be/6DeDzsCGbsQ)" by U2 (this version specifically fits Ren so well)
> 
> research was done but liberties were still taken during the tarot reading scene. some meds are discussed (harmless).

Early April brings the promise of warmer and longer days with how brightly the sun shines down on the city each morning. Ren figures his building must be facing west or the overall vibe of his apartment unit must be off though, because it's only ever sweltering in the summer or freezing any time else of the year. A cold ache rushes up his legs as soon as his feet touch the floor. The chill goes straight to his groin and he curses his poor habit of leaving his slippers everywhere else in the apartment and not where he needs them every morning. He groans sleepily and thinks of buying a rug to counter the problem ― or go for broke and change the entire flooring to carpet. He rubs at his face and trudges out of the bedroom before he gets any more outlandish ideas, walking on the sides of his feet with flexed toes to avoid the cold.

He pulls open the living room curtains to let the light in and he's greeted by the sun-dappled cityscape that's barely been touched by spring. Wet window sills from patches of snow melting, the trees lining the road slowly regaining their lush leaves, and the neighboring park and shops already bustling with people at this hour are typical to the streets of Jiyugaoka right after winter ends. When he decided to return to Tokyo and stay permanently, his residential area of choice was a toss up between Jiyugaoka and Omotesando. Both neighborhoods really appealed to his preferences and matched his lifestyle, but Jiyugaoka ultimately won him over because it was a quieter and less busy area. He's come to love the city and all its hustle and bustle, but his home needed to be where it's as peaceful as the countryside.

Yongenjaya was also on Ren's radar and Sojiro even opened up Leblanc's doors for him again, telling Ren he's free to stay indefinitely. He was grateful but he wanted more independence and more freedom ― not that Sojiro would police his every move. After a stifling and less than stellar year back in his hometown as the subject of gossip and curiosity, Ren was looking to recover a sense of privacy in his life. Knowing strangers were lounging in the café downstairs while he slept in during the weekends wouldn't settle right with him these days.

He's well-off than most people his age anyway, having saved his share of the money from their Mementos excursions. If there ever was a chance to put it to good use, getting himself a nice apartment would be it. Filling out his lease and bank forms felt a little bit like signing his life away again, but it was also liberating, like the shackles around his wrists have finally dropped. It must've shown on his face because Tamura, his elderly landlord, commented on how excited he looked when she handed him his keys.

It was his first taste of true freedom, standing on his own two feet and under his own power.

Vigorously rubbing at his arms for heat, he makes his way to the kitchen for breakfast and takes out the leftover pot of curry and rice. He's suddenly filled with a sense of déjà vu as he scoops curry onto his plate. Reflecting on his life before he reunited with Goro made him remember that he started last year on quite a low note, and it was over a plate of curry when Sojiro and Morgana pointed out that he was back to his old habit of spacing out again.

_"Huh?"_

_"Like that," Sojiro accuses, pointing a cigarette at Ren. "Honestly, you have the day off today and it's never busy around here. Why don't you go spend time with your girlfriend instead of wasting away here? Get blessed at Meiji Shrine, draw your fortunes at the temple! Or… whatever it is couples do."_

_"Space out at the wrong place at the wrong time and you'll find yourself in a world of hurt." Morgana singsongs next to him. He's all curled up on the seat, one eye open before settling again for a nap._

_Ren realizes he hadn't told them yet. "We, uh… broke up," he says matter-of-factly. Morgana's ear twitches at the corner of his eye._

_"… Huh, is that right." Sojiro studies him for a beat, expression steady. "Well, settle down, don't be so torn up about it," he says, sarcasm dripping off of every word._

_Ren means to laugh but all that comes out is a stunted breath. "I think we parted on good terms. She looked relieved, actually."_

_"Don't say that. You make it sound like it's your fault."_

_"It was." He meets Sojiro's gaze. "When I broke it off, she said she knew it was coming sooner or later. That instead of a boyfriend, I was more of a club host catering to her… like I was just playing a part." He twists one of his curls around his finger. He needs a haircut._

_Sojiro hums thoughtfully. "Could've fooled me. You two looked happy. At least, you did when I saw you."_

_"Did I…?" Ren asks, looking up, genuinely surprised at the observation._

_Sojiro quirks a brow, genuinely confused in turn. "Weren't you? Hold on―" He pinches the bridge of his nose and clicks his tongue. "Why are you even asking me? That's something you should know, for god's sake."_

_Ren looks at the plate in front of him. It's probably cold by now. He's barely eaten any of it, maybe just a bite or two._

_"Anyway, that's a shame. She fit your type."_

_Ren's head whips up. "My type?"_

_Sojiro sighs. "Kid, do you not have an ounce of self-awareness these days?" His hand goes to rest on one hip, expression one of a disapproving uncle. "Brown hair, sharp eyes, witty but polite? You have a knack for talkers, too. Every other relationship you've had over the past few years were on brand!"_

_Ren probably looks as lost as he feels because the doubt coloring Sojiro's face drains away and gives way to a tired one. For the record, Ren didn't officially date all of them per se ― two of them he was serious about, but he barely got past the flirtation stage with the rest. He met some of them during his undergraduate years and others at the company mixers, and every single one ended because of his perceived insincerity._

_The Trickster who saved the world isn't immune to loneliness and for the better part of the years after his Metaverse escapades, he looked for ways to ease his immutable yearning for a boy no longer of this world. It took Sojiro to point out that he's been unconsciously projecting and his embarrassment dusts his cheeks pink._

_"I guess I do have a type."_

The microwave's electric humming stops and it beeps, the startling quiet of his apartment taking him out of his thoughts. Before he can delve deeper into the memory, Ren takes his piping hot food out of the microwave and moves to the table.

It's been several months since the jewelry shop shock, many days since the Crossroads fiasco, close to a lifetime ago since his shameful display of desperation in front of Goro. That very night, he promised he would let go.

Goro is loved.

Goro is happy.

Already loved and already happy―

Ren heaves a sigh and presses the base of his palms to his eyes. _Don't do this. Don't go back there._

He swore he'd be better, do better, and he deserves a pat on the back for his efforts at least. His love for Goro has been an integral part of him, and it's no easy feat breaking away from such an intense and intricate emotion. Ren's happiness doesn't line up with Goro's, so it's about damn time he finds it elsewhere.

Ren turns back to his food and takes a seat, determined to shovel mouthfuls in him before his gut tangles itself into a knot and has him spit everything out.

He doesn't think about Goro. He doesn't think about Goro if he doesn't have to.

He shouldn't have to.

* * *

Ren goes to check his reflection as he steps out of the shower, wiping away the fog clouding the mirror with the back of his hand. His reflection stares back at him and he turns his head from one angle to another, though he's not really sure what he's looking for. His complexion is better, more flesh-toned and less ashen white, and his eyes aren't as sunken in. His shoulders are a little broader and more defined thanks to the new workout he started. He leans in and touches his chapped bottom lip with his thumb, thinking it would do him good to use a bit of lip balm.

Overall, Ren doesn't know what he's seeing. Is this the face of a man who's finally on the right track, who's decided to prioritize what's good for himself for once? Is this what improvement looks like? Is this what happens to people who move on?

He drops his hand and turns his head one last time before reaching for his toothbrush and lathering toothpaste on the bristles. As soon as he pops it into his mouth, he notices an open container off to the side with the lid sitting next to it.

Ren takes the bottle and reads the familiar label wrapped around the body. His eyes run over the words but he's read this so many times that they no longer hold any meaning. The generic slogan fits it's equally generic appearance.

These are the pills Takemi suggested he take a couple of months back. They're not prescription and he suspects she recommended them for its placebo effect. He's only ever taken it once then never again out of sheer distrust that it would help him at all.

_"Medicine for memory loss?" Takemi raises her eyebrows in surprise. She looks him up and down, meticulously assessing every inch of him she can see for what Ren supposes are signs of some medical anomaly. She crosses her legs and sits back. "Memory loss usually resolves on its own. Did you hit your head? When does your memory cut out?"_

_Ren scratches the back of his head. "No, um," he sighs, "I want something to help me… forget things… forget how I… feel about someone." He feels stupid for coming to her for this._

_Takemi tilts her head in disbelief. "… You want to induce memory loss. Erase an emotion, to be exact." When Ren nods, she taps her clipboard against her palm with a dull thump. "I can always just hit you with this until we get the desired effect."_

_Ren makes a defeated sound and stiffens in his seat as Takemi eyes him critically._

_After a beat, she smiles to herself. "Kidding." The glint in her eye tells him otherwise though ― He suspects she thought it an opportunity to test out a new drug she's titrating. But being her guinea pig again might not be a bad deal. He morbidly thinks of how being pumped full of experimental drugs is one way to induce, if not memory loss, confusion, which is close enough._

_He just needs to be unable to think. He doesn't want to think._

_"Unfortunately, I don't have anything that selectively wipes a person's memory or an emotional response." She regards him carefully. "And even if I did, I'm not sure it'd be appropriate for you."_

_"Right."_

_"Is that really all you came here for?"_

_Ren looks on as Takemi jots down notes on her clipboard. "I'm actually having difficulty concentrating at work. That's the fixable issue, I guess? I was hoping you had something that'll help."_

_Takemi continues to write. "Is the source the thing you want to forget?"_

_Ren swallows. "Yes," he replies hesitantly._

_She clicks her tongue and stops writing. She levels him with an annoyed look. "I'm a general physician, not a witch doctor, although that's arguable depending on whom you ask." Takemi doesn't continue and Ren thinks she's waiting for a reaction from him._

_Ren feels nothing, and so says nothing._

_"Hmm. You have quite the flat affect and that worries me a bit," she observes. Her chair squeaks as she shifts positions, one heel clacking on the ground. She thinks for a second before finally giving it to him straight ― Takemi never minces her words and packs quite a slap. "I don't have a cure for a broken heart, guinea pig."_

_Ren flinches at this, eyes twitching and brows furrowing._

_"But I can help manage the symptoms."_

_He sighs and nods haltingly. "Sorry."_

_"Don't be. The physiological effects are what I can handle. Anything beyond that is above my paygrade, I'm afraid. That's all up to you." When Ren nods in understanding, she picks her pen up again. "Anyway, elaborate more on your inability to concentrate. What have you done to help with it, if any?"_

_"I, uh," Ren sits up straighter, a little uncomfortable being in the spotlight and opening up about such a personal matter. "I can't get him out of my head. Something… happened between us… I'm worried about it. I space out at work. It's putting me in hot water with my boss."_

_Takemi hums._

_"I've tried energy drinks, but I don't really notice a difference…"_

_"You still drink coffee on top?"_

_"No, I cut back. It was getting harder to fall asleep."_

_This gives Takemi pause. "How's your sleep in general?"_

_Ren lets out a derisive breath and shrugs. "Could be better?"_

_Takemi writes something else down and truthfully, it's a little unnerving not knowing what exactly it is. 'Patient is going crazy' or 'exhibiting signs of obsession, admission to a mental ward advised'. Maybe she's just writing 'what an idiot' over and over down the page. He really feels like one._

_"Let's start small. I don't think prescribing you a psychoactive drug would be appropriate…" Takemi's eyes are serious, "considering your state. Try an over-the-counter multivitamin for a few weeks. If that doesn't help, we'll look into B-vitamin supplements."_

_"Anything specific I should get?"_

_"They're really all the same. Just pick one. Make sure you get a multivitamin."_

_"Sure." Ren gets up to leave. He takes his satchel and crosses it over his head, the bag settling against his hip. He can feel worry and dread radiating off of her and he thinks he should say something to ease her mind at least. "Thanks, Takemi. I'm… I don't have anything dangerous in mind, I promise. I just… can't stay like this."_

_Takemi nods. "I trust you, guinea pig. Call me. For anything."_

_He smiles. "Of course."_

There's a hollow thud as Ren chucks the bottle into the trash. He's doing fine.

* * *

The new fiscal year marks the occasion of seeing new hires lined up by the company lobby, dressed to the nines, prim and proper, all eager to embark on a tour of the building. Ren was notified last week that a couple of new hires would be shadowing him to get a feel of the routine. Most people would find it stifling to be followed around all day, eyes on them at all times, answering question after question, but it shouldn't be too bad. Having learners around could prove to be an excellent distraction from the sadder recesses of his mind he likes locking himself in.

Of course, it's not a phenomenon isolated to his workplace. As financial adjustments are made and new budgets are established, a majority of companies nationwide have their hands full with fresh graduates as businesses open their doors to applicants. Schedules aren't as clean-cut and manpower is shifted between departments to accommodate the expansion in employees.

Hence, it's no surprise that Goro and Yu haven't had time to meet up with him.

In an attempt to deliver on his promise to make it up to them for his constant cancellations, Ren started inviting _them_ out for a change. He can't run away from them as a couple forever ― he can only go so fast, so far, for so long until his lies eventually catch up to him. Meeting Yu, being in the same room as him, conversing and sharing pleasantries with him would be agonizing. But it beats upholding his lies, where he risks Goro's trust, rousing his suspicion, and destroying their friendship.

Either way, Ren winds up hurt. But facing Yu lets him keep Goro in his life, and he wants to believe he's allowed to have that.

Ren just has to meet Yu once.

Ren just has to play along for maybe an hour.

Ren just has to take the plunge one more time.

He's trying, he really is this time. But he still can't help the relief he feels whenever he receives a text that they're unavailable.

_Maybe they're avoiding me. Who knows._

It definitely wasn't an easy feat sending the first invite. Ren recalls sitting in bed, working up the courage to text Goro for many nights, only to bail each time. Having his fortune read was what pushed him to go through with it. He'd forgotten to buy a decorative wall scroll calendar for the new year and he was wandering the streets of Shinjuku to look for one.

_"Hmm…"_

_"Is it that bad?" Ren chuckles._

_"Hmmhmmhmm…!" Chihaya's pitch rises as she concentrates even more. "Um, it's not bad? But my divining abilities are starting to fail me, I think."_

_"It's probably just me. My fate's always been on the weird side, right?" Ren comes to Chihaya for yearly readings not because he believes in them. It's become more or less a tradition, an excuse for them to catch up. He feels a unique camaraderie with her since they both hail from the countryside. Country bumpkins, as she once said, should stick together in the face of the big scary metropolis._

_Chihaya taps the first of the cards in the five-card spread in front of her. "This card represents you, The World reversed." She looks up at him expectantly._

_Ren shrugs, having barely any idea what it means. If he remembers correctly, a card in reverse is bad but not always. The meaning of the card itself completely escapes him, however._

_"This is the card of fulfillment. But reversed, it represents a lack of closure and the inability to move on. There's something in your life you're stuck on and you're beginning to question if the journey that got you here in the first place was worth it." Chihaya moves on to the next card, which is The Magician upright. "What you can't get past… is a deep-rooted desire. A desire for a new spark or perhaps to rekindle an old flame. You want to do everything in your power to make it work, as if to make up for opportunities long gone."_

_Ren's face gives nothing away but his heart is starting to jackhammer behind his ribcage._

_Chihaya's hand lays on the rest of the deck. "As for how you'd take action," she takes a card from the top and layers it against The Magician, "an upright Knight of Swords, the agent of change… and a card of regret. Faced with a decision, you become blind to consequences and pursue your heart's desires."_

_Ren shakes his head. "Everybody has their demons. I don't really see why this is so troubling."_

_Chihaya blinks at him. "That's not… It doesn't seem weird to you that these were your exact cards last year?"_

_Was that the case? He should've paid more attention if it'd be such a big deal. "You do a thousand readings every year. How can you be sure mine repeated?"_

_"I'm attuned to your energy right now. I can see your past reading in my mind's eye," she explains. There's a mixture of worry and sadness on her face when she moves on to The Tower upright. "You're not rewarded for following your heart. You will face quite the upheaval. In terms of conflict, it'll be a tumultuous time for you… and very draining."_

_Ren believes her, of course he does. Her readings are never wrong, but he's always defied fate. If he puts weight on her readings now, it'll be like surrendering and it's looking like he's destined for disaster._

_The Lovers is the next card in the spread, positioned upright. "A relationship is expected to bloom on the horizon for you."_

_Ren's heart stutters. "What does that… L-Like a romance? This is The Lovers, right?"_

_Chihaya furrows her brows. "Hmm, let's see." Chihaya picks the card on top of the deck and sets it facing up on top of The Lovers, revealed to be an upright Two of Cups. "Less romantic and more of a… partnership. It involves working together because you harbor the same feelings as the other person, and these feelings have a profound effect on you and whoever this person may be."_

_Ren wipes his sweaty palms on his pants. He doesn't have a clue on what ― or whom ― that could possibly be alluding to. A partnership sounds odd to him._

_Chihaya gestures to the final card ― The Justice reversed. "At the end of it all, the scales would break and no resolution would be reached. I can sense a lot of baggage here and quite the amount of blame circulating, blatantly and subconsciously. I don't know if it's because you've wronged someone, but karma is at play."_

_The only baggage he has is his unrequited love. Does that mean he blames Goro? For what? For leaving him? Abandoning their promise? Left him to agonize for years, while he carried on, head held high towards a brighter future?_

_Without Ren?_

_"I should also tell you," Chihaya taps The Magician, Knight of Swords, and The Lovers cards, "you're under the influence of Gemini, as these three cards fall under that sign. Quite predominantly too since the rest of your cards all evoke a different zodiac."_

_He feels her eyes on him now. Clairvoyants are quite terrifying, he finds. He knows she knows, or at least she has an inkling of what's going on. His energy or whatever must be giving it away._

_"Having the exact same reading twice is… quite ominous. But you're different, so I'm not sure what'll happen exactly." She says gravely. "I can sense the veil has lifted from your heart… it's up to you now."_

Ren looks up from his phone as the announcement overhead calls out his stop. He hops off the train as soon as the doors open, trying to put the memories out of his mind.

* * *

Ren remembers standing in front of the long mirror in the back room of Untouchable, aiming a modelgun at his reflection after catching sight of himself while helping unpack new shipments. He was wondering where he'd need to aim if he were to kill all the love in him, when he notices Iwai and Kaoru appear behind him.

_"You should never point a gun at anything unless you intend to shoot and, by extension, know what you want to hit. What's eating at you, kid?"_

* * *

Despite his slim physique, Yusuke is very much capable of barreling into his apartment with the noise of a thousand cattle when he's lugging around stacks of canvases and art supplies.

_"Pardon me for intruding, Ren. I'm in need of a muse that reflects heartbreak and you are simply oozing with it."_

* * *

Hifumi wipes the floor with him in their match.

_"You can tell a lot about a person by how they move their pieces around the board. You've been playing very defensively, even when you have an offensive opening. The more you prevent loss, the more forcibly everything will be taken from you."_

* * *

"Ren?" A voice calls out to him.

He looks towards the direction it came from and a head of shaggy brown hair, thick-rimmed glasses, and a disarming smile coalesce into a familiar face.

"Maruki…?" Ren mumbles, wide-eyed. His former counsellor stands at the mouth of a convenience store, plastic bag in one hand and a wallet in the other. What he can see of Maruki's white button-up shirt has a few wrinkles, but he suspects the dark cardigan he has on top is hiding a lot more serious creases. The loafers and rolled-up capris don't really do him any favors, but Maruki has the same air about him, albeit the slight grays in his hair and dark circles under his eyes add a bit of sullenness to his appearance.

"It's been a while," Maruki greets, stepping out of the shade. "I didn't think our paths would ever cross again."

Ren nods. "Tokyo's huge," he says straight-faced.

Maruki laughs. "That, it is. How have you been? Oh! Actually…" He rummages through the plastic and pulls out a green lollipop. "I keep buying treats out of habit… Here, for old time's sake."

It takes a second, but he frowns at the offered sweet. "Why do I feel like a kid about to get abducted if I take this?" Maruki's face morphs into one of surprise and Ren feels triumphant. _Some things never change._

"Is it that weird?"

"I know you like handing them out randomly. Makes you look like a creep, though." Ren plucks the candy out of Maruki's loose grip.

Maruki laughs nervously. "I see. Well, um, I don't want to overstep any boundaries or impose, but if you have time, do you mind keeping me company for a bit?"

There's a sudden quiet in Ren's head. He ultimately holds no grudge against his former counsellor, but knowing what Ren knows and what transpired all those years ago, Ren can't help but raise his guard. His skin prickles at the memory of being exposed, the rawest parts of him laid bare, by this man. It's an automatic and protective response, but Maruki can't take anything away from him anymore ― he never actually could.

Ren checks his watch. He _does_ have time. "Sure." He might have a little something to discuss with Maruki, anyway.

They settle by the bike racks off to the side of the convenience store, away from the shoppers coming and going. For all the flak he gave Maruki, Ren hasn't changed much either ― he can still be a sucker for free snacks and enjoys giving Maruki a hard time. He unwraps the candy and pops it in his mouth, the outer sour coating instantly making his face scrunch up. He holds it between his molars as the twitching of his eyes subsides.

He hears the rustling of plastic and looks towards Maruki, who has walked further down the space to the designated smoking area. He's rummaging through his plastic bag again and what he takes out is a pack of cigarettes. Ren curiously watches Maruki reach into his pocket next, pulling out a lighter.

"Do you mind?" Maruki asks, gesturing to his procured items.

Ren shakes his head wordlessly. He's grown accustomed to smoke because of all the mixers he's attended and bars he's been to, but the smell of it sticking to him and the soot coating his throat and lungs for hours on end feel, nevertheless, disgusting. The exhaust vent above Maruki should be sucking it all up anyway, and the wind is blowing away from them.

One flick of Maruki's thumb on the lighter and his cigarette is lit. He watches Maruki breathe in, hold, and let go slowly, eyes trailing the lazy puff of smoke before it disappears towards the vent.

Ren takes the lollipop out of his mouth. "Someone developed a bad habit."

Maruki laughs. "It's what's worked for me after I've tried everything else. Shibusawa's already on my case, so don't bother lecturing me. I've heard it all."

"Worked for you? What does that mean?"

Maruki blows another puff of smoke. "Remember when I said you can always start over when you're struggling? Well, that's easier said than done, isn't it?" Maruki looks towards the streets. "I tried moving on in a lot of ways, but I'm never more than half a step ahead of the past… She's between every word in a book, she's in each note of every song, she's all the faces in my dreams. I took Shibusawa's advice and started using dating apps to find… someone else, embarrassingly enough. But some people you just can't replace, can't bring yourself to forget, and the mere memory of her got in the way of everyone else I tried to love."

Ren swallows the growing lump in his throat. _Been there. Still there._

"The nicotine helps, so I stuck with it." Maruki taps the cigarette into the communal ashtray. "Fight a drug with another drug," he smiles.

The worst part about Maruki's monologue is that Ren can relate and it makes him feel like a recovering addict. It's comforting to know he isn't alone in his journey towards moving on but he doesn't quite know how to feel that this camaraderie is shared with Maruki. _Love is one hell of a drug._

"What about you?" Maruki asks.

Ren freezes, mind suddenly racing, afraid of what lies behind Maruki's question. What _about_ Ren? How is he coping? Has he moved on? Did he find a new love? Is Maruki asking about the steps he's taken to get over losing Goro?

"Anything new? I think you've grown taller."

The breath Ren's been holding escapes and he relaxes upon realizing it's just a general question about his well-being. He shrugs stiffly. "I'm about as good as you can expect."

Maruki hums and takes another drag of his cigarette.

Something heavy settles in Ren's gut, some sort of impulse and a surge of words trying to get past his lips. He hesitates, gritting his teeth as the hidden truth corrodes the inside of his mouth in its want to be spilled. He wants to talk about Goro because, as much as he begrudges it, he and Maruki share the same pain, and of all the people he can confide in, Maruki would probably be the only person genuinely glad Goro is alive.

_Maybe. Or maybe I really am just a fool. Goro would be disgusted._

The same pain, the same kind of loss, the same desperation ― that's who Ren and Maruki were and still are. Ren would've passively watched reality be rewritten if Goro hadn't pushed him, if he hadn't been there to shatter the flowery world of lies and deceit.

"He's alive."

Maruki's eyes are suddenly round and wide from surprise and confusion. Ren can tell he's trying to piece together what Ren means within the limits of reality and cognition. "He's―You mean…?"

"Yeah," he nods, "we ran into each other last spring."

Maruki's face lights up and the relief that washes over Ren is foreign and strange. He expected that reaction. Goro would definitely be disgusted now.

"That's―That's such good news! I wish you two found each other sooner but I'm glad he's alive…!" He sighs contentedly. "I'm really glad for you too, Ren."

_Glad for me, he says._

Maruki has pushed off from the railing he was leaning on in his excitement. Then his shoulders sag a second later, as if catching himself, embarrassed. "Sorry, I don't have the right to have such a reaction because of what I…" He laughs awkwardly, eyebrows drawing together in unease. "But you two are… you reconnected?"

"We talk, hang out…" _I kissed him._ Ren swallows that truth down. "We meet up when we can."

But slowly, Maruki's face starts to lose it's enthusiasm like something isn't adding up. He studies Ren and suddenly there's shame burning in Ren's face. Maruki can feel it, that it's not a glittering high romance or an awkward restart full of boyish charm or a turbulent coming together with thirst and passion. Ren's expression must be revealing the tepid truth of their reunion and Ren finds himself humiliated.

It must be the therapeutic pull of a counsellor that gets Ren talking. The rapport he forged with Maruki stands strong even now and he takes advantage of it. "He's engaged."

That kills the light in Maruki's eyes, worry gone and now replaced with deep sadness and disappointment. "I don't understand… I thought you two were―"

"No, it's―" Ren nods to himself, "it's good."

_Because he's happy._

"He's happy."

_He's loved._

"He's loved."

"And you?" Maruki asks, breaking his train of thought.

"What?" Ren blinks.

"You're okay with that?"

 _Well, what am I gonna do!?_ He boils underneath his coat, a simmering temper in his veins, misplaced anger heating his skin. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. It was a huge mistake bringing this up. Ren stands suddenly. "I have to go."

"Ah," a panicked Maruki does the same, hand raised as if to reach out to stop Ren from leaving. "I didn't mean to upset you! I'm sorry!"

 _No, I upset myself._ Ren adjusts the strap of his satchel. "I'm going to be late for work." But he doesn't go. He stays rooted in place, waiting. The shitty thing is that Maruki understands what he's going through and bearing this alone isn't easy. Ren just wants someone to tell him to be okay with this, someone to tell him what to do, someone to show him the path to recovery. He can't move on alone, he tried, eight whole years gone because his heart refuses. The claws, wires, and thorns of his bleeding heart dig deeper into this love the harder he tears away at it.

"Seems like you've developed quite the bad habit, too," he hears Maruki say.

Ren resists the urge to look back. Maruki is a reflection of him and there's nothing but pain there. He hates to think Maruki is coping better than he is when Maruki is cramming cancer sticks in him to fill the void he's left with. "I don't regret rejecting your reality." If Maruki was going to say something, Ren doesn't let him. "But you're right, we did develop bad habits. Bad habits tend to catch up, so we better watch out."

Ren sticks the lollipop back in his mouth and starts walking.

* * *

The hominess of Leblanc never changes. If he could pinpoint what exactly it is that makes Leblanc embody such a loving and peaceful atmosphere, he'd try to recreate it in his own apartment. Maybe it's the antiquity of the furniture, the old varnish starting to go from the counter, the faded colors of the plush seats, or perhaps the dated devices like the siphons, rotary phone, and ceiling fans that speak to a person's innate attraction to a past era. There's no rancid aroma of old coffee or the musty smell of cooked food since Sojiro's great at maintaining the shop ― though Ren wishes Sojiro wouldn't smoke indoors, but that's an early grave for Ren if he breathes even a word of that.

Ren wonders what would happen to the place in the future. Futaba would inherit it by relation alone, but he doesn't think she'd be too keen on it. She'd sooner program automated coffee machines than be in the constant eye of the public. _Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit._ Futaba would definitely preserve the way things are, but she's always been the type to march to the beat of her own drum.

Ren smiles as he polishes the last of the glasses. He wouldn't mind quitting his day job and running Leblanc. As he looks at his reflection in the glass, he reconsiders, thinking maybe that's too idealistic and too much wishful thinking on his part. He could keep the arrangement he has now, however, running the café on his off days when he isn't swamped with work to help Sojiro out. He'd have to cut down on hours at his regular job, which is easier said than done to pull off, but he'd find a way.

He stores the glass back in the cabinet below the counter with a clink. It's been a slow day, so he decides against preemptively brewing a pot of coffee, thinking it'd be a waste if it goes stale. As he reaches up to slide the coffee beans back on the shelf behind him, he hears the bell ring and the door shut with a click.

"Welcome―" Ren says automatically, turning around.

The metallic black of the briefcase is eye-catching compared to the mute and earthy colors of the wardrobe it's paired with. It's the second thing Ren notices, the first being the unquestionably captivating face of its owner.

"This place hasn't changed," Goro says, placing a hand on his hip as he looks around, studying every nook and cranny for anything unfamiliar. His eyes then search the ceiling before giving Ren a meaningful look, jerking his head slightly.

"No, the place is no longer bugged," he smiles, "Futaba got rid of them a long time ago."

"Huh." Goro raises a brow. "Grew a conscience?"

Ren snorts. "Never. She's as cheeky as ever. She just grew up, has other things to preoccupy her now than listen to old people talk." He watches Goro take his usual seat from all those years ago and a wave of nostalgia washes over Ren, endeared at the sight of Goro settling in like old times. Goro's previous vigilance of his surroundings piques Ren's interest. "You don't want them knowing you're alive?"

Goro shakes off his gray trenchcoat and neatly drapes it over the chair next to him. "I don't mind your friends knowing. The eavesdropping kills the pleasant mood here, that's all." He looks toward the back then to the kitchen. "Is Boss around?"

"He's out for the day. I'm by myself." Ren reaches below the counter for a cup and saucer.

"Well, give this to him for me, will you?" Goro unlatches his briefcase and hands Ren a bulky foil bag. "I keep forgetting to bring it with me. It's coffee beans native to Inaba."

Ren pauses from reading the blurbs on the side of the bag. "Oh, you finally went?"

"Remember that cross-prefecture conference I attended a few months ago? There was a coffee shop in Saitama selling domestically grown coffee beans. I think Yu knows the old lady who grows it in her backyard, actually." Goro closes his briefcase and lets it sit on the chair where his coat is. "There should be enough to split for you too, if you want some. I just didn't want to open the bag."

His heart thrums in excitement, travels all the way to his fingertips fiddling with the top edge of the bag. "Sure. He's going to be mad it took you this long to come by again though, and on a day when he isn't in. He would've loved to see you."

Goro tilts his head in doubt, resting his chin on a fist. "It wasn't on purpose. And I _highly_ doubt he'd greet me with anything other than mild surprise and a grunt."

"Come on, he wouldn't! He'd be happy to know you're doing well." Goro averts his eyes at this and hums vaguely, clearly not believing him. Despite knowing Goro's hand in Wakaba's death and his involvement in Shido's plot, Ren believes Sojiro's kindness and forgiveness transcend the losses Goro contributed to. Even Futaba and Haru… Ren wants to believe all three of them would reach some sort of understanding someday. He got over Goro's attempts on his life instantly, after all ― Then again, Ren's case is vastly different. "Do you want your usual?" Ren digresses, setting aside the bag for later and fires up the siphon.

"You still know how I like my blend?" Goro challenges.

"How can I forget? It's quite the pretentious order." Ren winks.

"If you think _that's_ pretentious, I can always give you a taste of my Frostbucks order. But," he stretches, back arching with his shoulders pulled back and chest puffed out, before his body recoils back in place. "I'm feeling merciful today, so the house blend is fine."

"Coming right up." As the water in the bottom beaker heats up, Ren takes the medium roast Jamaican Blue Mountain to the counter and grinds about two tablespoons of it to a medium-fine consistency. He grabs a little bit of the light roast Colombian Narino to grind as well, then he deposits the mixture into the top beaker once the pressure makes the water rise and it reaches the right temperature. He asks if Goro wants curry, but Goro says he ate on the way here.

Ren wasn't expecting Goro to drop by today. He did tell Goro he still helps out at Leblanc when his weekend permits it, enticing him with a cup or two as Ren's treat. He's glad Goro did though, especially since there are no other customers to entertain and they have each other for company.

He glances at Goro at the corner of his eye, who's now reading one of the books on the counter, gloved hand ready to turn the page. He thinks about Goro's hands and the vague feeling of them cupping his face in the dark to comfort him months ago, Goro mistaking him to be someone else and Ren ― Ren reeling from his drunken transgressive actions. Delicate fingers he's always wanted to entangle with his own, hands he's always wanted to hold wherever they go. For the first time, he's thankful for the gloves more than ever because it keeps him from seeing the ring Goro wears underneath.

Ren shakes his head minutely. _Don't think about that. That's not you anymore._ His seventeen-year-old self made shapeshifting seem so easy. He doesn't remember struggling this much embodying a different persona, adopting a whole new mindset, setting aside self-preservation ― granted, he barely had any in the first place ― which should come naturally since he's a chameleon, the Trickster.

Maybe it's because the situation is a little different. Goro's the one person he never needed to pretend for. Ren never had to hide from him, so his heart is confused why he needs to now of all times. This is the perfect time to be honest, after all. But that's precisely why he can't. He loves Goro and he won't let anything, least of all himself, ruin what Goro worked so hard for.

Goro found someone good all on his own.

_Goro is happy. Goro is loved._

Even if Ren is outside of that bubble of happiness Goro built for himself, that's okay. That's enough for Ren. He just wants Goro in his life. It's funny that Ren fell in love with Goro because he didn't need to mask who he was around him. Now Ren needs layers of them to be able to stick around.

 _I need to stop thinking about this._ Ren mentally berates himself for such poor control over his thoughts. Left alone with them for even a second and he spirals. Some lighthearted conversation should distract him and he says the first thing that pops into his head.

"I ran into Maruki earlier." He nearly bites his tongue.

Goro's eyes flicker towards him for a second before going back to his book. "Can't believe you kept in touch with him. Well… I can, actually. You and the things you do."

"I didn't," Ren chuckles. "Last time I saw him was when my probation ended. He's doing what he can." Goro's silence only accentuates his disinterest. Ren bites his lip. "I told him about you…"

"Of course, you did."

"He's glad you're okay."

"Cute." Goro flips a page.

Ren sighs. That's all he's going to get, so there's no point in pursuing the topic. Once the coffee is ready, he goes over to where Goro's sat and pours him a cup. The aroma is strong with a nutty hint to it. "House blend for the grumpy gentleman." Ren declares smugly, confident that the taste would wipe away Goro's prickly mood.

Goro shuts the book and takes the cup in his hand, fingers lacing around the handle and lips puckering slightly to blow on the surface of the liquid to cool it off. He takes a sip and hums in satisfaction, taking another before setting the cup down on the saucer with a clink. "You could win hearts with this."

 _The heart I care to win is no longer available, though._ Ren shrugs. "Sojiro does slay the ladies with his food and coffee. Wait, am I turning into Sojiro?" He makes a face.

"You seem to be on the right path, if that's what you got out of what I said." Goro smirks. "What? Boss is a great role model."

Ren groans and starts walking back to the other end of the counter. "I might be unintentionally following in his footsteps…" he mutters with abject horror. "He warned me about this! Ugh, I'm not exactly gunning for a bachelor's life."

It's Goro's turn to sigh. "Hope Maruki's woe-is-me bullshit didn't rub off on you earlier." Ren turns to him questioningly. "Instead of chatting up your old counsellor and being relieved that he's started to grow a spine, you should look at your own life. Don't think I've forgotten what you said last time."

"… What did I say?" Ren furrows his eyebrows, placing the coffee pot on a coaster. He has no idea what Goro's on about now.

"Does Crossroads ring a bell?" When Ren doesn't quite follow, Goro sits back and crosses his legs. "You told me you were lonely that night. That's why you went out to drink in the middle of a snowstorm."

 _Oh._ Ren smooths out his bangs, embarrassed. "Everyone gets lonely, Goro."

Goro huffs. "I don't want to sound like an old nag―"

"You _are_ an old nag." Ren deadpans, looking him straight in the eye.

Unflinching, Goro returns the same dead look. "I'm only a year and a half older than you, Ren."

He shrugs. "Still. Also you didn't contest the nag part." Ren puts on an evilly sly smile, fist covering his mouth as if to stifle a laugh. He can almost feel the devil horns growing out of his temples.

With a click of his tongue, Goro pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "You're a migraine and a half."

Ren loves this. The back and forth, how they play off of each other so well, the ease in which they slip in and out of it ― Ren doesn't have this with anyone else. It's special. Goro is special. He always has been to Ren. He's Ren's treasure that he wanted all for himself, from keeping Goro's number from the rest of the group when they first met to monopolizing all of Goro's time when they were at Jazz Jin or Penguin Sniper.

"Anyway, my point is… people flock towards you. One of them must've caught your eye. Dating should be right up your alley," the corner of Goro's mouth curls upwards, eyes narrowing in impish delight. Ren can feel the sinking feeling in his gut already. "Mister Ten Girlfriends."

He knew that was coming. He'll never live that down and it's not even true. "You're a menace." _Yet I can't quit you._ Ren points at him with feigned contempt before pouring himself a cup of coffee just to have something to do.

Goro scoffs at him, ignoring his feeble jab. On the contrary, he looks like his ego was stroked. He assumes a more relaxed version of his infamous thinking pose. "Ever been interested in any of your friends? Though, I respect you too much to assume Sakamoto would ever appeal to―" He hears Ren sputter and cough. "What?" He raises an eyebrow and faces Ren.

"No, they're―Absolutely not―God, what the hell!" Tears well in his eyes as he tries to not choke on the hot liquid coating his windpipe. "Dating within the circle would be awkward!"

Goro hums. "Yoshizawa? She's not technically part of your ragtag circle. And it was painfully obvious how head over heels she was for you."

The tips of his ears turn hot at the memory. Sumire was very direct with her feelings in the end, and truthfully, he admired her for her courage, taking the opportunity and plunging right into the mouth of the unknown, unlike him who danced the line with uncertainty for a whole lot of nothing.

"I'm enjoying myself, by the way. I like seeing you squirm." Goro watches him with unabashed amusement.

Ren shakes his head. "Nothing more came of it. It was just a small crush on her part. And I'm glad I've been entertaining! Wouldn't want to be rude to my only customer," he pouts. "Are you done?"

Goro smirks. "For now." He uncrosses his legs and reaches for his coffee. "Shame. She seemed like your type."

"And _what_ exactly do you know of my type?"

He takes a sip and contemplates for a second. "Someone who needs to be saved. Though, saying that is rather a disservice to her. She picked herself back up."

Ren takes a moment to let Goro's words sink in. It's inherent to him to want to help people. It's in his nature to give. Flip that concept on its head and what's underneath is a desire to be needed. As a child, he was always told to keep his head down, mind his own business to keep out of trouble. He was quiet as a result ― a kid nobody had to worry about ― and perhaps that snowballed into a complex, culminating in his saving that woman from Shido.

It's not like he's ever denied having a savior complex either.

"Still," he hears Goro say as he takes out a rag and starts wiping the counter absentmindedly. "It just seemed par for the course that you two would get together."

Ren's hubris made him think that way, too ― Goro always came back to him, Goro would always come back to him, proven time and time again. His words to Lala echo in his head, that he thought that made Goro his.

It feels like his head's underwater when he speaks next. Caught up in his own thoughts, Ren fails to filter his words before opening his mouth. What he says is barely above a whisper, but the soft whirring of the ceiling fans aren't enough to drown it out. The silence of the café carries his words all the way to the other end where Goro is and by the time he realizes what he said, it's too late to take them back.

"I've only ever looked at you."

His hand stills and his heart seizes as soon as he breathes out the last syllable. The bubble he's in bursts and the ringing in his ears is loud and piercing. His gut twists violently as his awareness returns and the cold grip of reality claws at his insides, as if trying to reel in the words that had already left him.

_What did I just…_

In his experience, slips of the tongue have always been funny. It was mostly Ryuji accidentally making dick jokes and Futaba cranking it up to eleven, or Ann accidentally spoiling a surprise. He's pretty eloquent and articulate, making sure what's on his mind matches what's on the tip of his tongue. So inadvertently admitting to his engaged friend that he loves him romantically is ironically hilarious and pitiable.

The next thing he knows is that he's staring right into Goro's wide eyes. There's a lot of shock and confusion swimming in the deep red of his irises. Ren feels naked ― like he's trapped under bright lights, limbs bound so he can't run ― and deeper still Goro's eyes fillet him open to reveal the marrow of his bones, the blood of his guts, the secrets of his erratically beating heart.

It's Goro who breaks eye contact first. His hand had been hovering, as if to take a drink of his coffee, but he sets the cup down and stares at it instead, expression giving away nothing.

"I mean―" Ren's own squeaky voice startles him. _Fuckfuckshit!_ He swallows hard. _Say something! Joke about it!_ "I… I was just…" The words get caught in his throat and he can't get them out no matter how much panic urges him to.

He could never make light of Goro like that.

"What I meant was… um, I think I―we get along the best―so I―I… I look _to_ you for advice for―"

_I can't fix this._

"For… dating…"

_Where do I even start…?_

Goro's quiet and Ren can't, for the life of him, read Goro at all. Not knowing what else to do, what else to say, Ren reaches for the coffee pot with a shaking hand.

"Here! Let me give you a refill…" His jaw hurts. Every joint in his body has locked up from sheer dread.

"No, that's okay." Goro downs the rest of his coffee then stands up and gathers his things in one fluid motion, ponytail fluttering as he turns. "My lunch break is over anyway, so I have to get going." His bangs keep his eyes hidden and it's clear in Goro's body language that he doesn't intend to linger a second longer.

Goro's terrifyingly smart, so it's difficult to hide things from him. Ren had to build a fortress and despite the fissures starting to show, it managed to hold up. But now, everything's out in the open and Goro just needs to piece everything together, if he hasn't already.

Briefcase in hand and coat slung on his arm, the door chime jingles as Goro grabs for the door.

_No… No―I'm going to lose him…!_

"Goro, wait!"

Time stops. Goro doesn't turn around.

It's unbelievably loud in Ren's head, every part of him scrambling to salvage the one thing he doesn't want to lose. Again and again and again, he loses Goro. He can't take any more goodbyes from him.

"… W-What I said…" What can he even say at this point? He's almost mumbling his words. "That's… That was―"

"I can take a joke, Ren. That's all it was, wasn't it?"

"Goro, I…"

"Or you misspoke. Either way, it's my fault for prying. What you do is none of my business." When Goro turns around, Ren can't discern much from his expression, but the plastic quality of his slight smile is worth a million stabs. "I'll see you around. Thank you for the coffee."

When Goro leaves, all that's left of Ren is a hollow shell staring at the space where Goro stood. He slowly collapses onto the counter, head in his hands, scratching at his scalp and pulling on his hair, wondering why the hell is his love so goddamn tragic.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ren, you disaster bi.
> 
> next chapter is my absolute favorite 👀 please stay tuned. we're getting there.
> 
> I'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/thatumbrellaoni?s=09)!


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